Abusive Compulsive
by TheDrunkenWerewolf
Summary: What makes a person abuse another? What made Aizen abuse Gin? Explanations, revelations and an insight into the psyche, this is the story of Ichimaru Gin’s abuse from Aizen’s perspective. Mirror story to ‘Manipulating the mentalist’.
1. summary, authors rant, and prologue

**Tales of the manipulated: Aizen Sousuke  
****Title: Abusive Compulsive  
****Genre: angst, abuse, psychological**

summary –

What makes a person abuse another? What made Aizen abuse Gin? Explanations, revelations and an insight into the psyche, this is the story of Ichimaru Gin's abuse from Aizen's perspective. In which we will see just how unstable Aizen really is. Because as they say, it is far easier to simply denounce the evil doer than it is to try and understand him.

Mirror story to 'Manipulating the mentalist'. Scenes of graphic abuse and profanities throughout the whole thing. You were warned.

* * *

authors note/massive rant –

_I don't own bleach. Again, anyone who says otherwise is a liar. Come on folks, I may be good, but I'm not THAT good._

This is the mirror story to 'Manipulating the mentalist' and the third instalment to my 'Tales of the manipulated'. This time from the abuser's point of view, so we can walk in his shoes for a bit. Again, this has scenes of graphic abuse, explicit content and some very bad language throughout – so not suitable for minors in the slightest. If you've read MTM and 'My imitated smile' you'll like this. Or at least I hope you will.

But **this fic contains future plot wreckage for MTM. Or it will when I get further into it anyway.**

Oh and also, _screw_ my previous warnings with the yaoi. I don't know what happened with THE Kira fic when this whole thing began, but it all started off really tame and _now look at it!_

Ya know who I blame fer this? Yeah, my editor, Crazyfeatherhead. (who I hope accepts responsibility for being a very good bad influence on me by the way!) yes it's her fault. But she's been my rock throughout this whole thing, which was just awesome. Thankyou for looking after me and giving me crack and yaoi and such. And nii-sama too! (TheBurningDragon92), he's just been so supportive. In fact, they both have. Nii-sama making sure I ate right (because when I get involved in a big project I have a tendancy to overwork) giving me chocolate and pep talks, having writing sessions with me so I didn't feel like a _complete _loon, and even covering for my Gin&Cherry story while I was gone. And CFH sending me all the crack, yaoi, and Doctor Phill'ing me and telling me it was all going to be okay even when I thought it wasn't ever going to be ever, for all the late night plot talks and for putting up with me. Ahhh~ They're both really amazin'. They're both so awesome to me and I love em so much for it. Here's to hopefully many more beta'ing to come for the both of ya! (I beta nii-sama's stuff) What did I do to deserve you guys?! You're too good to me… and CFH, if you ever need yaoi, you just ask me kay?

so, now I've had my rant, do enjoy my story of Aizen's descent. My NaNoWriMo project for 2009 - 30 days of Dark and angsty Aizen. What I think is either sheer madness or pure genius. Or both. I think this has got to be my most controversial story yet. So hateful comments will NOT be appreciated. Be nice please people.

Hoping you'll like what ya read,

- TDW

* * *

"Nothing is easier than to denounce the evil doer; Nothing more difficult than understanding him."  
- Fyodor Dostoevsky

**Prologue: From Aizen's perspective**

Some might say he was sadistic, that he even enjoyed torturing people. Others would say that he had been tortured himself, so that's why he did the things he did. After all, don't the abused naturally become the abusers themselves? Ichimaru Gin was a perfect example of that. In fact Gin was probably the one who was hit the worst through the abuse, and there were many stories thrown around the soul society about him, and subsequently, Aizen as well.

However, as gruesome these stories were, they were usually wrong. There was another reason behind why Aizen did those terrible things.

Now you might think that Aizen enjoyed causing pain, especially the way he would hurt Ichimaru, both mentally and physically. And the way he reacted when Gin tried to befriend Kira meant that the abuse he inflicted just escalated. But it's not like he actually wanted to do those things. Not like he wanted to cause hurt. _Never._

But he did.

He did it because he felt that he had to. Because he needed to. It was not because he enjoyed causing pain and hurting people, and being violent towards the ones closest to him. Not because he was sadistic and got pleasure out of it, not because he desired cruelty, or because he had a passion for it, but because he himself was suffering.

Contrary to the popular belief, Aizen was not abused. He was obsessive compulsive.

And he had a secret that would change everything. A dark sense of manipulation that would damage him so severely, and truly wreck the lives of those he cared about.

This is Aizen Sousuke, and this is his side of the story.

The story of how he became manipulated by his own mind.


	2. Intrusive thoughts

At last the other side of the story. At last an explanation for the abuse. This is not the story of a sadist, nor the tale of a masochist, but the story of problematic psychological conditions that affected daily life. This is Aizen Sousuke, and this is what started it all. This is an insight into the mind of an abuser. Abandon hope all ye who enter.

* * *

**Chapter 1: Intrusive thoughts**

They say that it is far easier to denounce the evil doer than it is to understand him. That is true for Aizen Sousuke. Because he abused Ichimaru Gin everyone assumes that he enjoys causing pain, that he is a sadist, that he is indeed, as they say, evil. But what if that was not the case. What if there was another reason why. What if there were multiple reasons why. Like multiple personalities. Disorders that impacted onto his daily life and affected him in ways one couldn't even possibly imagine. What if we understood him? Well, I am going to help you there. I am going to tell you how it happened from the very beginning. On that fateful night when Gin chose to follow him and made the biggest mistake of his life.

It all began on a night like any other. An unusually warm night no less, and the air was of a moderate temperature once the sun had set. Aizen was with Gin in the office when the alert came. When the hell butterfly carrying the distress signal of young students in danger fluttered into his midst. But it was back before then, way back before then that the thoughts came. That the intrusive mental images if the disturbing type entered his imagination and played with it. Now Aizen did always have to have things in a certain way. For example, the desk had to be perfectly parallel and in line with the wall. He always had to do things in a certain order. He always had to have everything spotlessly clean. If he didn't then he would make sure that everything was in place exactly the way he wanted it to be. The same thing could be said for his plotting. Everything had to be in its place or Aizen would go ballistic.

Now Aizen had managed to cope with being like this, and had been doing so for quite some time. He had come to grips with things like this because this was normal for him. Everybody may have thought that this was just the way Aizen Sousuke was, but this was the obsessive compulsive foundation of what was to come. But things only dramatically changed when Ichimaru Gin came in. Albeit through Aizen's choosing of course.

But things only changed in a dramatic way when Aizen thought about Gin.

He had often thought about it: Hitting the boy. Hurting him. Being violent towards him. This wasn't for any real need, nor for any real reason. But often the thought would creep steadily into his mind. He had usually never really given it another thought though. He was sure that everybody had these types of thoughts from time to time, so he would just shrug them off. It was no real matter that needed to be dealt with. But as Gin grew and learned under him, these thoughts changed.

It wasn't just the thought of simply hitting him anymore. Not just one quick strike, but physically beating him. Abusing him in numerous ways, demeaning him, betraying him. When Ichimaru was moved up to the position of fukutaichou these intrusive thoughts changed again. Getting more violent, and on one occasion more sexually aggressive.

But these were just thoughts. He never carried out these actions, even though his concern about having these thoughts did grow. Making him worry about whether or not he was actually capable of committing such acts. Aizen was still quite young at this stage, and so nice to the people around him, despite these horrible thoughts. But it is these thoughts that would eventually turn into nightmares, and these nightmares into anxiety later on. But maybe these thoughts where his subconscious ideals. Maybe this was what his dark side wanted.

Yes, Aizen did have a dark side, and one of the traits of this other side, this other personality, was a nasty temper and violent nature. And this side of him had a tendency to abuse alcohol. But this side of him would show itself more over the course of due time. And Aizen would become enraged at his own thoughts and lash at those he found first came to mind. And indeed, make them suffer as he had himself, at having these thoughts.

This other personality is said to have developed to help him to cope with these thoughts, but this would whirl into an abusive relationship because of the obsessive compulsion. But the circumstances were that Aizen had his plans, and because they required Ichimaru Gin to progress, this other personality had to develop in order to extricate these thoughts, by whatever means were necessary. Even if it meant acting upon them.

But nevertheless, this one night changed everything. Whether it would be for the better or the worse is another story, but it is on this very night that Sousuke Aizen's story begins. The alert comes, they go out, they clean out the hollows attacking the youngsters, and they go back. Simple, or at least, it was supposed to be anyway. Aizen watched the entire scene before acting, taking in the faces of the troubled youngsters. Thinking of possible uses for them and estimating their value to him. And then Gin, Gin's capabilities had far exceeded his own expectations. But then again, they always had, that was why he had chosen him as his second. But the thoughts were slowly coming back again as he watched. The dark thoughts were returning to him. He thought he had beaten this, but he was wrong. Even when they were walking back after taking out all of the hollows the thoughts were still there. There was no way he could get rid of them.

_"__Damn it, if only there was somebody else I could use. Someone, anyone else but him, I don__'__t want to hurt this one__…"_

But as it was, there wasn't. There was nobody else with Gin's capabilities to help further his plans that was anywhere near willing to follow him. Aizen remained expressionless as Gin walked behind him back to the barracks, smiling as he usually did.

"Aiya, whatta day huh?"

He could hear Gin sighing. Yes, it had been a long day. And quite an interesting one as well. It wasn't every day they got called out on an emergency after all.

"Yes, quite."

There was a long silence. And Aizen took a deep breath from the night air, taking in the warm air as he tried to get rid of the thoughts that were still plaguing him. It was not easy, they were persistent.

"Wonder what would've happened, ya know, if we hadn'a shown up."

"They probably would have died."

"Meh, wouldn'a made no difference if they did."

Aizen smiled to himself.

_"__Oh it would. It would have made all the difference in the world to you Gin.__"_

Gin perked up again. _Now _he was interested.

"Oh, ya got some kinda plan fer 'em I see."

"One could say that."

Aizen smirked again. Yes, he did have a plan. A plan that would reveal itself all in the course of due time. Nobody else knows what intentions do lie behind those brown eyes. Nobody knows exactly what it is that Aizen is thinking. One can guess, but never know for sure what he intends to be the fate of the three they have just rescued.

They both carry on walking in silence. With Gin walking some few steps behind Aizen, the both of them heading back towards the barracks and to Aizen's room. Where he just wants to get rid of these impulses that his mind has been constantly throwing around. Maybe that was when the change occurred. Maybe it was then that the dormant side woke up, but that is left to be decided. What is for certain though, is that a change in him did occur, and that the Aizen Sousuke everybody knew became someone different entirely.

Aizen stepped in, throwing off his shoes and setting out to turn on the oil lamp to light to place dimly, turning his head to Gin standing just outside of the doorway.

"Coming in for a drink?"

Gin blinked multiple times. Apparently astonished that he was being invited in to drink with his taichou.

"Oh, alright."

Aizen then watched Gin step quickly and uneasily through the door and close it softly behind him. It was as if he was afraid to make any form of noise at all. He kept looking around too. Probably amazed at how immaculately kept his taichou's possessions were. Aizen just smiled and offered him a seat on the floor. Gin took it and looked intently at him. Not really helping matters by looking so innocent, the thoughts just became urges now.

"Gin, I want to talk to you, or rather, tell you about many things. I have the ability to make you stronger Gin, the ability to open a new world. Would you come with me?"

Gin just stared at him in wonder. Really, he was still quite innocent. He still had ideals. Good, maybe that would make it easier to get him to go along with the plan.

"Aizen Taichou, I'm intrigued. Are ya gonna tell me more?"

Now he has to make a decision. Does he chance it and let the thoughts continue to occur, or does he divert the conversation elsewhere and forget the whole thing. He knows he does not want to let these intrusive thoughts control his life with no way of alleviating them. For once in his life, Aizen Sousuke does not know what to do.

But there was one way, let Gin decide what happens. It seems selfish, it seems self centered, but he does consider what Gin wants in all of this. So in the end he decides to tell Gin and go with whatever he chose.

"Yes, only if I tell you, you promise to follow me. And you promise to follow my instructions no matter what they are. Are you absolutely sure you want to know? Because you can walk out of this door right now and we will never speak of this again. Right now, you have a choice, you can either pick the blue or red pill."

Gin sat there for a moment, taking all of this in. Thinking hard about the two possible futures set out before him. All the while Aizen fighting to subdue the actions that he wants to take in his head. All the while maintaining his composure as he tries to ignore the urges now consuming him. Willing Gin to take the blue pill and return to the dream world. Go back to the world as he knows it. Wake up tomorrow and go on living life as normal.

"It is your choice, Gin."

But he picks the red pill. He wants to know the truth. He wants to know what Aizen is hiding. But little does he know that it is not what he expects.

"Taichou, I wanna know. I wanna get stronger like ya said. An' I wanna follow ya."

"Are you sure?"

Aizen looked deeply at him wanting him to reconsider. Willing him to re think the choice he has made. Because he knows this other side of him will get its way. He knows it will take control of him.

_"__Are you absolutely sure now Gin? Because once you know you can never go back to how it was before. Please Gin just change your mind. Reconsider. Take the blue pill and wake up alright.__"_

"Yeah. I'm sure."


	3. Jeckyll and Hyde

**Chapter 2: Jeckyll and Hyde**

Aizen cursed silently as soon as he heard those words. _'__Yeah. I__'__m sure.__' _It was as if all the strength had left him at that moment. He couldn't fight himself any more. Gin was willing to comply with his plan, what else was there to worry about? He could do whatever he wanted now right? Without having to keep it quiet.

Every impulse in him was screaming. The thoughts were there, they were still there. They wouldn't go away.

_"__Why don__'__t you just fuck him and get it over with?!__"_

He couldn't breathe, his breathing grew heavier. He went dizzy as the voices just got louder in his head. Why wouldn't they just go away?

"Bu' ya said I gotta promise somethin' righ'? Well, what 'ave I gotta give ya in return?"

It went quiet. And for those few moments of pure, uninterrupted silence, the change happened. Something inside of Aizen just snapped. The other side that wanted violence and it got it's way.

"Aizen Taichou?"

Aizen breathed out and stopped, letting the smallest of smirks come across his face. The voice inside his head laughed. _"__you__'__re mine.__" _As his hand flew to Gin's neck and forced him to the floor. Squeezing hard as Gin watched Aizen's amused face in horror.

"Everything."

Gin yelped, both in pain and in shock. Aizen felt his hand squeeze Gin's neck and his mouth grin viciously.

_"__Now the fun begins.__"_

Gin was completely horrified, his eyes now really wide, and the deep red colour of his eyes could be clearly seen from a distance.

"What the fuck're you…"

"Shut up."

Aizen squeezed harder, pressuring the jugular veins. He knew exactly how to cause the most pain to prevent a struggle.

"Strip."

"What th' fuck?!"

Gin stared back at him. Shock, horror. That was all that was visible on his face right now. The fear in his eyes only spurring Aizen on, making him more and more agitated and frustrated. Becoming increasingly aroused at the thought of what he could, or rather, what he _would_ do to Gin.

"Do it."

He could feel the cold shudder of panic run right though Gin's entire being as he let his hands wander downwards to Gin's shoulders. Exposing the bare, soft, pale skin as they went. Perfect, the whelp couldn't move. The panic from the younger one seemed to fill up the entire room, making time slow down considerably. Or at least it felt like it. Gin scrambled to his feet, trying to get out and away from him but again Aizen's hands seemed to find him. He stood stock still, again out of fear.

_"__Fear. Sweet, sweet fear. Hmm Gin, the things I could do to you now__…"_

Aizen couldn't control himself. This other side had completely taken him over. But it was still him, just another part of him. The violent part of him. And there was no way that this darker side of him was going to go back to sleep, it wanted sex and it wanted it now.

Gin whimpered quietly, probably feeling nothing for the hands that were undressing the upper half of him. He looked around, and then darted off towards the door, but Aizen wasn't going to let him escape that easily. Aizen dived after him and slammed him to the floor again, and his fingers were soon clenched in his white hair as he snarled down at him.

"Trying to escape from me, bitch?"

He slapped Gin across the face, enough to force his head to the side before forcefully rolling him onto the floor again, this time so that he was lying on his back. Partially undressing his lower half so that he was exposed, then completely undressing Ichimaru. Aizen stroked Gin's neck, still holding him down. Gin hissed and gritted his teeth, he couldn't fight back now. Aizen looked down at him smiling sinisterly; now he could do as he wanted, and have his wicked way with the boy. Aizen was lying on top of him now, and quite literally breathing down his neck. Much to Gin's displeasure. But he couldn't escape, no matter how much he tried to struggle.

Aizen then let his hands roam down further, lingering on his chest before navigating downwards to in between Gin's legs, making Gin yelp and twitch violently as they caused pain there.

"ahh, no… st- stop, you're hurting me… Taichou stop!"

Gin screamed, feeling Aizen's hands down there was probably not the least bit desired, but it was happening. He was being groped viciously and painfully, and he could feel him against the inside of his leg. Aizen was toying with him.

"n- no…"

Gin moaned, but trying to get Aizen to stop was pretty much impossible now that he had already gone this far.

"Ah Aizen…"

"Yes…"

Aizen then threw Gin over onto his stomach, feeling himself stiffen. His hands clenching Gin's wrists harshly to hold him down as he then slowly and steadily entered Gin. Slowly, yet forcefully. Making sure that every single second was slow and pleasurable. Gin screamed in agony, but all that was on Aizen's mind was getting those god forsaken voices in his head to silence. To make the impure thoughts go away. And if he hurt Gin then maybe they would. But he didn't anticipate the pleasure he would gain. His thrusts were getting rougher and rougher and Gin screamed and cried, begging him to stop. But he couldn't. He had lost all sense of control now. His fingers were digging in harder and harder into Gin's wrists as he roughly took him, the hot blood trickling down the length of his fingers only fuelling him further. The pleasure making him deaf to the pleas of protest and the cries of pain. No, there was nothing there any more, all sanity was gone. Vanished along with the other Aizen Sousuke.

"Ugh… no, please…"

It continued for some time, the sensations of flesh against flesh, sparking more and more hidden urges as Aizen fucked him. Becoming swallowed up in some form of twisted desire as he shivered with the feeling of it. Of being inside Gin. Climaxing and ejaculating into him. Deaf to the screams telling him to stop. Deaf to the pleas of protest. Deaf to the yelps and whimpers of pain and agony coming from his victim.

Collapsing on top of him with all of his boundless energy spent and heavily panting, Aizen then dragged himself off and got up, trying to recompose himself. His hair was even more of a mess than it was usually, and he was sweating all over. His breathing was heavy and laboured. He stood there, looking ahead of him at the blank wall, not reacting to the tears cascading down Gin's beautiful pale cheeks. He didn't look at him, in fact, he didn't want to look. He had seen enough of him already.

Gin just looked hurt, physically and emotionally. The tears were silently falling from his eyes now as Aizen continued to stare coldly at the wall and re-cover himself.

"Gin," he panted, his breathing growing lighter again now. "Dress yourself, and leave."

He said it coldly, showing nothing but contempt in his voice. He watched quietly as the completely exposed Gin struggled to his feet and dressed. He was trembling and he was shaking as he staggered out of the room. His body was bleeding because Aizen was so rough. And the veins in his wrists had been punctured by fingernails that had dug in while hands had held him there. He heard the soft whimpers coming from Gin as he fought back the tears, not wanting to cry. He was trying so desperately hard not to cry in front of him. Aizen steadied himself as he watched Gin go, trying to breathe through the heat that penetrated the atmosphere. And because of what had just transpired, this was becoming increasingly difficult.

When the door slowly clicked shut and Ichimaru had gone, Aizen couldn't stand any more. He couldn't breathe. He just collapsed into a heap on the floor, trying to get the air into his lungs and overcome the nausea and shock of what had happened. He was shaking, still in shock. He was dripping with sweat, he was hot, and he didn't really have a clue what had overcome him then, all he knew was that is was wrong. That he shouldn't have done it. And that scared him the most. The fact that he had lost complete control of his own body, and that he had surrendered to urges that he didn't even know had even existed within him.

Nausea overtook him. He tried to get up and half stagger to the bathroom. The room was spinning all around him, and his focus quickly became blurred. He threw his glasses off to try and make it better but it didn't work, it just got worse. He felt faint, nearly falling onto the door frame and he almost went slipping head first into the en suite bathroom floor. Grabbing the edge of the toilet bowl, he tried to drag his body up but all the strength had gone from him so he couldn't lift himself up again. His stomach lurched, and he wretched and vomited into the toilet.

"What have I done?"

He vomited again, tasting the remnants of what little stomach acid there was left in his stomach.

"H- how did I lose control?"

He was panting, his breathing harsher now as he wiped his mouth with the back of one of his hands. He was trembling again, his hands on the toilet bowl shaking and making his arms unsteady. Clearly Aizen was unstable. Clearly, he was in shock. His body was weak, he went dizzy, and then his entire body relaxed and he fell onto the bathroom floor, effectively passing out and slipping into the unconscious until dawn broke and the sun shone down through the little window perched high above him on the wall.


	4. Man in the mirror

**Chapter 3: Man in the mirror**

When dawn came and the sun eventually rose into the dull and dreary Seireitei sky, it took some time before it reached the fifth division captain's little bathroom window. And Aizen was still lying there on the floor in that bathroom when the light did eventually reach his tired eyes and exhausted body, blinding him as he stirred and steadily regained his consciousness. His eyes slowly fluttered open and he looked around as everything in the room came creeping back into focus. Shapes became more solid and multiple images disappeared. Even the nausea and sickness was gone.

"Wh- where am I?"

He groaned harshly as he tried to get up. He was currently lying on his side on the stone tile floor. How long had he been like this? Was he here for the whole night? He gritted his teeth as he dragged his stiff body to its feet. All of his joints were stiff and his muscles ached from lying on the hard floor all night. Had he been drinking? No, he couldn't have been, he at least would have remembered if he did. He heaved his body up and walked over to the mirror. God he looked a mess. He took a long hard look at what he saw in his reflection, and it all came back to him. There were bruises on his arms from when Gin had fought back, and his hair was severely messed up, and the worst thing: he was covered in the blood of Ichimaru Gin.

He had raped Ichimaru Gin.

He started to shake violently again. No, that wasn't right, he would never hurt Gin. Not of his own free choice. But it was there, all the evidence was there. Gin was the only one who had been with him last night. Gin was the one who had fought those hollows alongside him earlier. But what about before that? What about the impure thoughts he had been having? Could they have become more than just thoughts without him even realizing it? But Aizen had always been able to control them up until now. He had always just been able to push them aside as the mere thoughts that they where, but things had spiraled out of control. Things had gotten worse. Gin was slowly becoming the object of his obsession, of his obsessive compulsion, making things escalate further. Forcing matters beyond his control so that they were far beyond reach. Maybe somewhere deep down there was an attraction there, a somewhat deeper feeling that somehow got twisted into something else. And because of that the violent thoughts had become more vivid, and unknown to Aizen, a second personality had developed as a coping mechanism for these violent mental images. A personality which knew that the only way to make these obsessive thoughts go away was by acting upon them, and giving in to these violent and sometimes sexual urges.

Aizen stared hard at his blood stained hands, taking it all in. what he had done to his own fukutaichou. He looked deeply and intently at the man in the mirror, at the man that had caused pain and suffering on an innocent. He was staring straight back into the eyes of an abuser. And he knew it.

This man in the mirror was not him. It was someone else entirely. Aizen rested his hands on the edge of the sink, what was happening? What was he becoming? He had done a pretty awful thing, and the fact that scared him the most about it was that he was actually capable of doing it. The very fact that he had the capacity to abuse. His breath shook as he watched the blood on his hands trickle down the white sink bowl and down into the drain. He never wanted this to happen, he never wanted things to end up like this. He thought he could cope with the intrusive thoughts, but now he wasn't so sure. What if he lost it again? What if he couldn't wake up as he was now, what if the entirety of who he was became lost to the other side? No, that couldn't happen, he couldn't think like that. Alright, so it happened. So he lost complete control of himself and woken up covered in Gin's blood. Yes, he had abused and hurt Gin terribly and he would probably pay for that when eternal judgment was passed down onto him, but it was already done and so he had to live with it now. Aizen sighed, putting the plug in and turning on the taps to fill the sink and wash his face. Getting rid of the blood and washed it all off. He dried his face and looked at himself again.

"Ugh, fuck me…"

He brushed the hair back off his face. He looked awful. He felt awful. But he couldn't change anything now, so he would just have to move on and go forward. In all truth, he was worried that it might happen again, that he would do much worse damage, but only time would tell about that. That was something that would reveal itself over the course of due time. He could only promise to himself that he would fight the urges harder next time.

After fixing his hair and making himself look like he hadn't just gone on an all night killing spree, Aizen then began the search for his glasses. He found them on the floor after he nearly stood on them and broke them. Cursing to himself, he put them on and then started the walk to the office. Gin wasn't there, it was his day off today. And even if it wasn't, Aizen wouldn't blame Gin even if he didn't show up for work. Well, one doesn't get sexually assaulted and go into work like nothing ever happen could they? In fact he didn't think that Gin ever would be okay again. Sexual abuse is said to be the most damaging to the persons psyche after all. But he just couldn't stop all of the images flooding back to him. There wasn't really a lot to do today, so maybe he could go to one of the local bars and get a drink. He finished early and set off.

There weren't many people in there, apart from a group of three newly graduated youngsters that had just become members of the Gotei Thirteen. Albeit, unassigned to a division yet, but still they were shinigami now. They were celebrating, whereas Aizen was drinking to try and forget the events of the night before. Which didn't happen often, but it seemed like the only way to cope with it then. He ordered a bottle of sake and took a seat, where he could overhear the conversation of the three. One of them was tall with shocking red hair. He had sharp eyes and feral like features, with an attitude to match it. The other was a young woman. Brown hair, quite cute looking. And she had a sense of innocence about her. The other, the third one of the group, was shorter than the other male. And this kid had blonde hair and dark eyes. He seemed like the innocent type too, but his eyes spoke volumes of insecurity. He listened to their conversation from where he was sitting not that faraway. He was out of their line of vision but sitting so that he could see them and they couldn't see him. He could probably assess where they were going from what he heard. Maybe even pick out one or two for his own division. Because right now anything was better than being in his own messed up head right now.

"Well, here's to passing." Said the taller one, sounding tired yet enthusiastic about their new careers as death gods.

"Yeah, we made it alright." The girl then added, sounding peppy and excited. "I can't wait to be working under Aizen Taichou…"

The taichou listening to them perked up.

Oh, so this girl knew of him? _Now _he was getting interested. He was going to become the topic of three newcomers' conversation. And, as always, Aizen was curious to know what people thought about him. So this young one aspired to be serving under him. Well, he supposed that maybe she could be some usage to him. He would have to make a mental note to look up her file later on. Having her to work for him would be a definite advantage to his pre-existing plan.

The red haired male laughed loudly.

"Haha! Hinamori, I thought that the captains chose us, not the other way around! And why Aizen Taichou? Are you like in love with this guy or something?"

The girl went red, her face becoming flustered as she tried to defend her admiration of the fifth squad captain.

"Oh shut up Renji! Just because I admire him doesn't mean that I'm in love with him! Gah, Renji you're such a baka sometimes!"

Oh, Renji. Yes that was right, Abarai Renji. He had heard of that name before. He couldn't place where he had heard it but Aizen was sure that he had heard his name spoken somewhere. Never mind, it's not like it mattered all that much anyway.

Renji smirked defiantly, the big baboon like grin of his quickly creeping along his jaw line.

"Yes, but… you didn't deny it. Did you?"

"Shi- shut up Renji!" the girl yelled out, now getting quite flustered and going all red in the face. Having just been embarrassed.

"What? Just because you won't admit you love Aizen Taichou?" Renji laughed harder, leaving the young woman to sit there and feel awkward. While the other male accompanying them laughed nervously, trying to stop the teasing.

"Heh heh heh, now guys lets play nice shall we?"

"Aw come on Kira, I was just joking. Loosen up a little will ya."

"Yeah come on Izuru, we got through school! Let's just drink and have some fun now. We've done the hard part."

"Hai. Oh and Renji-san, yes she does." He then added, taking a sip from the alcoholic beverage in his hands. Hinamori then squealed and told Kira off for telling. They seemed like an interesting group of people. So Aizen got up, after finishing his drink of course, and decided to casually stroll over to the table to where they were sitting. Well, it wasn't like he had anything better to do with his time today now was it?


	5. Mr nice guy

**Chapter 4: Mr nice guy**

"Well hello there, may I join you?"

The three of them quickly fell silent from their playful argument and Momo let out a rather loud gasp, momentarily followed by an excited squeal.

"Aizen Taichou!"

Aizen smiled warmly at them, waiting for the initial shock of seeing the very topic of their conversation materialise to fade away. He pulled up the empty chair opposite Hinamori and sat down, ignoring the half shocked faces. Until Kira broke off from the quiet.

"Ha- hai Aizen Taichou, we would be honoured if you would drink with us."

"Thank you."

Aizen responded warmly, like he usually did. This would take his mind off of things. He'd said that he'd wanted a break and now he was getting a rather interesting one. He was sitting with three new recruits, each one a blank canvas to be moulded. Maybe he could use one of these three here. He saw this as an opportunity to get to know them better, to analyse their personalities. To make sure that they were considerable options to work under him. But mostly, this was just to help him to forget yesterday.

"Lovely weather we're having." He said, taking some of the edge off. Making small talk as it were, starting off the conversation again.

"Oh yes, it's been getting warm early this year." Kira replied, to which Aizen nodded.

"Yes it has. I hope it doesn't get colder earlier though."

Renji had gone off to the bar to order another round of drinks, leaving Kira and Momo sitting with Aizen. Hinamori of which, was staring at him quite intently, hanging on his every word. Expected, she admired him after all. But Aizen did have this feeling that he had seen these three somewhere before. He was usually good at remembering peoples faces, but then again he had woken up lying on the bathroom floor and he couldn't even think of where he was or what had happened until he looked at his reflection in the mirror. All because of these stupid voices. Stupid thoughts. Stupid actions.

No, for now he wouldn't think about that. For now, he was just a guy in a bar with some new friends. That was what he would be for now, just for a couple of hours at least. He would be what could be called a normal person just for a short while. Just for now it would be as if nothing bad had happened.

"So, Momo was it? What exactly is it that you like about me?" he asked, giving her one of his more smug expressions.

"Well, i… err…"

"You don't need to be so shy, I won't bite you."

"Ahh, she's admired you ever since you rescued the three of us from that attack of that hoard of huge hollows…." Kira said, reminiscing about that day when their very skins had been saved by Aizen and his second in command, the infamous Ichimaru Gin.

"Aha, I knew I'd seen you three some place before."

Hinamori nodded vigorously. "Uh huh, and I've been working ever so hard to get stronger Aizen Taichou, and I hope that I'll get to work under you someday!"

Aizen chuckled.

"Please, just call me Aizen, there's just us four here, you don't need to be so formal Hinamori chan."

She giggled girlishly, as Renji came back with the drinks. He had to make two trips because he couldn't carry all of them at once though, and if he tried to he would spill them everywhere. And none of them were able to afford any more sake after this. Well, except maybe Aizen, because he was being paid a full and handsome wage.

"So, what shall we talk about?"

"What about today's popular music cultures?" Renji asked, who had been waiting to meet somebody new to show off his new rapper style sunglasses too. "I hear there are some pretty cool bands down in the real world."

"Oh really? Do go on Renji."

Now, Aizen was genuinely interested in this, but his interest was cut short when Hinamori interjected quickly, silencing him with her sarcasm.

"Yeah yeah Renji, we all know you went to see a concert in the real world…"

"Just because _you_ didn't get to go…"

"It was really fun Aizen! Everybody was rocking out and taking this thing called 'acid' and then-"

"Yeah alright, let's calm it down mister hippy…"

Kira sighed. "Oh boy, they're at it again…"

Aizen just stared at them both blankly as they argued, wondering what on earth they were talking about. "I had no idea that hippies were like this… Say Kira, how about I take all of you to a sushi bar?"

"Oh, err y- you don't have to Aizen Taichou…"

Both Renji and Hinamori's heads turned upon hearing the words "sushi bar" and instantly stopped arguing. The both of them snapping their heads around rapidly to look at Aizen and Kira.

"What? A sushi bar? Kira is that true? Aizen Taichou's going to take us to eat in a sushi bar?!"

Renji drooled at the thought of eating sushi. In fact he loved sushi, it was one of his favourite foods.

"Why yes, Aizen said that he'd treat us to a meal out. Isn't that right Sousuke san?" Kira then stated, looking up at Aizen as he was standing next to him.

"Yes, that's right. Sushi's on me. I know a place that does excellent sushi."

Aizen smiled again, this would be the perfect getaway from it all. He could just go and eat sushi, not worrying about being abusive or anything. Not hurting anybody, he would just be Aizen. Going to his favourite restaurant to east some fish. What could be better than that?

"Shall we then?" he gestured to the door, following them outside and onto the streets of the Seireitei. There weren't many people about, not at this time of the day. Mostly everybody was either at work, purifying hollows in the field, or at home. They were practically the only ones out there, so it was a quiet walk to the restaurant. When they got there it was around noon, and they were greeted warmly by the waiter.

"Ah, Aizen sama!"

"Hello again."

"And what can I do for you today monsieur?"

"A table for four please."

"Aha excellent, excellent! Come, right this way please."

The three new shinigami accompanying Aizen followed both him and the waiter that was going to be serving them, all three of them sniffing the air and catching the scent of the delicious fish that would very soon be gracing their taste buds.

"Mmm it all smells so delicious. I can't wait to eat!"

"Let's just find our table first." Aizen chuckled heartily. It had been a while since he'd had company because he had been so busy at the office recently. So it was good to get out every one in a while, even with strangers. But he did feel that these three wouldn't be strangers to him for very long. They were all getting along so well already.

"Here is your seat monsieur. I vill bring ze menu's over in just a minute. Please wait a while."

When the waiter came back with the menu's they were all starving hungry, and couldn't wait to get their teeth into some sushi. So they just ordered the first thing that caught their attention. Aizen ended up ordering the chefs special, which in the end turned out to be the swordfish sashimi dish. And with that, the waiter skipped off and into the large double doors leading into the kitchen to inform the chef of the most recent orders.

When the food eventually did arrive, Aizen looked on quite shocked as his guests wolfed it down.

"The sushi isn't going to walk off the table you know, you can take your time here."

As soon as he'd said that they slowed down and then they were actually able to talk again. After quite a varied discussion on life while experiencing fine dinner for the first time in months, the waiter strolled over.

"Ah, did you enjoy your meals?"

"My compliments to the chef." Aizen smiled, now quite full. "May I have the leftovers?"

"But of course." The waiter said, before once again disappearing off into the kitchen.

A short while after, they left the restaurant it was beginning to get late. And each of them had to go their separate ways. Aizen bid them farewell and started walking down the street again, on his way back to the barracks to hopefully get some sleep. He stopped though when he heard a familiar voice shouting him.

"Aizen Taichou!" Hinamori yelled, running after him with the brown bag in her hand. "You forgot your swordfish!"

He watched as she sprinted up to him, holding out the bag of leftovers to him when she reached him. She was smiling broadly.

"Here you go."

"Oh thank you very much. I don't know how I walked away without it."

She laughed again. "Oh don't worry about it. Everybody forgets things sometimes."

"They do indeed."

"Well, I gotta go. I'll see ya around Aizen Taichou."

And with that she was off and running again, leaving with the others to go back to wherever it was that they were staying. And for the first time in days, Aizen felt completely at ease. He walked home in the sunset and breathed in the evenings warm air. He would have food for later on and he would be able to get a good nights sleep. But the moments he really did savour were those for which he was walking home. It was one of those quiet evenings where he could unwind, and he was choosing to claim ignorance to the nightmare that was only just beginning, even if just for one day.

Because tomorrow, it would all go back to the way it was yesterday morning. And it would all go back to normal again.

* * *

Ugh... please don't ask me why the japanese waiter has a french accent. I needed crack to get through this one. So don't ask where this one came from. CFH, I lol'ed so hard when I got to the swordfish bit! I do believe that one is your doing. Yes, I'm reading it as you lot do. With fresh eyes. I haven't touched this for a whole month.


	6. Oh cruel teacher

**Chapter 5: Oh cruel teacher**

And it did. It all reverted back to normal very quickly. He was sitting behind the desk again in the office when Gin came into the room. It was time to put the beginning stages of his plan into action.

"Gin, I want you to meet me in the training hall in the east block later this evening."

Gin looked confused. Probably because this was such short notice, and Gin had barely recovered mentally.

"But, why?"

"There will be an upcoming position for captain of division three, and I want to get you ready for it."

"Oh, I see."

Gin glanced away nervously. He was trying to make it look like he was alright with this, but he was failing miserably. Not that Aizen blamed him. But he had told himself that he wouldn't let it happen again. That he would silence the voices through other means.

"Just make sure you are not followed."

Nothing more was said between them after that. Neither one of them spoke a word about anything other than business today. It was kind of awkward, and the tense atmosphere was almost unbearable. Yes, he did feel guilty. Yes, he did feel remorse. Yet, there was regret. Yes, he did want to go back and undo what he did but that was physically impossible. But maybe he could try and fix it. He probably couldn't repair the psychological damage already done, but he could at least try to build Gin up again. He could at least give him some level of confidence back. He would make Gin stronger, strong enough to deal with anything, like he said he would do. Try and fix the broken pieces.

When the day passed and dusk drew near, Aizen set off to their designated meeting place. When he went in he put the lights on and sat there with his head resting in one of his hands. His head was tilted at an angle that felt the most comfortable. He sat there waiting for a short while, wondering if Gin was going to turn up. But when he did though it was a few minutes later that expected. Maybe Gin had gotten held up somewhere in his daily dealings but Aizen didn't ask. Not that it mattered all that much to him anyway. Gin was going to be here wasn't he?

"Aizen Taichou?"

Aizen lifted his head, just enough to get a better glimpse of the other male that had entered very nervously into the room.

"Oh good, you're here. Remove your wakizashi, you will not need it here."

Aizen got up slowly, and what could be described as quite lazily. His eyes were calm, his hands relaxed. This was going to be what was the beginning of the rebuilding of Ichimaru Gin. It would be a long process, it would be a difficult process, but it was going to happen. And, eventually, it would work. He would have the foundations of a good second in command. His teachings were going to be tough but fair, and a good insight of how he himself was trained by his former superior. But again, that would all be told in time. But as they say, a journey of a fifty thousand miles begins with a single step. And if Aizen could make Gin just take that first footstep then it would get easier from there. But Gin was nervous, and with good reason.

Gin glanced around the room nervously, wondering what was going to happen. Unsure of what was to follow once he had disarmed himself in the presence of what could potentially be a very violent man. As demonstrated to him earlier. Gin took off his blade slowly, carefully watching his taichou's every movement, ready to react upon any sudden attack on him. When Aizen unsheathed his own sword he observed that Gin's jaw clenched.

"What do ya want me to do?"

"Pick up one of those swords on the rack. And attack me."

He then watched as Gin took a couple of steps over to the three katanas sitting on a wall mounted wooden rack. Now these swords were those of new recruits and each one was exactly the same. There were no hidden motives here, it was just going to be back to the basics. If Gin could learn to fight him without Shinsou, then his skills would increase exponentially. He watched as Gin took one down and held in his hands, waiting.

"Now, I want you to attack me Gin. If you can land a single cut on me, either by that blade or through kidou, then I will deem you strong enough for the position."

He watched as Gin silently and anxiously stared at him, as if waiting for the catch to come out now. He unsheathed his new weapon very, very slowly. Taking it all in. he hadn't fought using one of these in years.

_"__Breathe Gin, relax. You will grow stronger. You will become deadly, you just have to trust me. Let me rebuild you.__"_

"Don't worry, I will not hurt you. Trust me…"

Aizen actually heard Gin swallow. He waited for the silence to pass onwards and for the boy to muster up his courage enough so that he could actually attack him. Gin went to attack him, but had done so prematurely, he still hadn't let go of all his fear completely. Aizen blocked his head on attack and tutted. That move was far too readable for a first attack.

"You're too predictable."

Gin snarled as he leapt off of him, attacking each of the vital areas of Aizen's body. Failing to strike every time. Gin was still so full of fear, when was he going to let go of his inhibitions enough to actually fight him properly?

Gin was panting heavily, crouched low on the floor and glaring back up at Aizen with his red eyes. Aizen just looked back coldly.

"Gin when are you actually going to attack me?"

That one remark was all it took to send Gin reeling. He disappeared and before he knew it Aizen was seconds away from having his head lopped off by Gin in mid air.

He has to react. He has to move, but he can't. His body won't move. He was staring death in the face. All time seemed to slow down and make those few seconds last for hours. And that was when it happened. That was the trigger for it. The shock of it caused the other side to appear again.

The abuser was back.

"Hadou no ichi…"

Gin's mouth dropped open and a horrified gasp escaped him seconds before the demon art flung his against the wall. His back hit it first and he cried out in pain with the impact. He hit the floor and landed on his ribcage. Aizen just watched, staring icily at him as he struggled to lift his body off the floor. He was panting heavily and his voice sounded shaky and hurt.

"Ya promised tha' ya wouldn' hurt me…"

"When did I ever promise that?"

"You… you lied to me."

"I didn't promise you anything. When did you ever recall me saying the words 'I promise' to you Gin?"

Gin struggled to his feet and they continued. And many days went by when Aizen taught Gin from the beginning the basics of fighting. It was like teaching him from scratch all over again. Gin would often walk away with some number of cuts and bruises on him. And he did eventually improve his defences. All of the basic forms of demon art were practiced and refined until pretty much all of the spiritual energy had been drained from him.

Aizen was merciless. If mistakes were made they were not forgotten. If his defences were too weak then Aizen would make sure that Gin knew about it by demonstrating how vulnerable he was when he dropped his guard even for a second. Aizen would grab his neck and pin him to the floor, blade to Gin's throat. Sometimes the other personality would show itself and he would become vicious and cold. And push Gin to his very limit.

Aizen wanted Gin to get stronger, but often the other side of him would manage to push its way out again. Slowly taking over him bit by bit, until he would just snap, and throw Gin around when he attacked with full intention to kill, holding him by the neck. Maybe it was the fear of nearly dying that triggered the change. Or maybe it was Gin's anger that pushed him. All we know is that Aizen reacted badly at Gin. He didn't control this change, he didn't want the shift in personalities to occur, but it just happened on its own and it happened too quickly for him to try and fight it.

Gin was slammed into the floor. His lip was bleeding and he was bruised in various places from the impact, and he was glaring up at his taichou with pure hatred.

"Ya know," Gin spat out at him, letting the blood trickle down his chin, not really thinking about what he was saying at this point. He had had enough.

"You're a real bastard, ya know that?"

Did this boy have no fear? This was practically the equivalent to sticking the middle finger up at him. It was the first time Gin had ever sworn at him.

Aizen narrowed his eyes down upon Gin. Wondering how did he even dare?

He stood there in silence for a moment. Then finding himself slowly and steadily pacing over to where Gin was lying. Feeling his hand clench a fist full of Gin's snowy white hair and yank it upwards. Finding his eyes looking into the deep red ones now so full of shock and horror, so full of pain and fear. Glaring down directly into them, feeling nothing.

"What did you say?"

Gin coughed, more blood now coming down his face. Aizen pulled his hair harshly downwards so that Gin was looking upwards at him. Gin moaned in pain.

"What did you say? Gin?"

"You fucker…"

That was it. That was when he just lost it. That was when Aizen hit him. In the stomach, in the ribs. Anywhere that he could possibly reach. Anywhere what was exposed. He was beating him savagely, losing complete control of his actions.

"Don't. you. ever. Say that again."

He couldn't stop, he was seeing red. He was just consumed with it. With this desire to hurt. He couldn't stop it, he couldn't control it. It was like he was merely the observer, watching as someone else took his body for a test drive. Gin cried out in pain with every blow dealt to him. Begging for it to stop. But he couldn't, he didn't have the power to stop. The other side had come out now, and it wasn't going to let Aizen have his body back willingly. It was like everything was all in a haze. But when he did regain some sense enough to stop, he couldn't believe his eyes.

He was looking down on an Ichimaru Gin that had just been beaten. That he had just beaten and attacked and bruised. He looked down in horror at what he had done. He was kneeling over him at this point, and Gin's eyes were fearful. He stayed there for a while, the both of them staring at each other. One in fear and the other in shock.

He swallowed. Slowly rising to his feet and walking out of the room. Not saying a word. He didn't even look back. He couldn't. It was all just too much to stand.

He walked out, leaving Gin lying there battered and bruised. He stumbled out of the dark room. Unsteady on his feet, he let the door close shut behind him. Then holding his head in his trembling hands he collapsed onto the floor. Still disbelieving that he was capable of such violence even though the evidence was right before him.

"What have I done?"

He couldn't breathe any more. His head was all hazy. No, he couldn't have let that happen again. But it was there, he had to believe it. He didn't want to, but he had to. What had happened? He was in complete control only a few minutes ago, so what made him change?

He went dizzy. Everything was replaying itself so clearly and vividly in his head, the audible screams still echoing around his ears.

"What's happening to me?"

He covered his ears to try and make the sounds go away and shut his eyes tightly. No. no, he didn't like this. He didn't like being violent, especially not towards Gin. He was on the edge of crying now, whimpering softly into the silence. The tears were starting to fall on their own accord now.

"What's wrong with me? Why am I doing this to him?"

He couldn't answer the question. He couldn't even answer his own question. He dragged himself up when some of the dizziness went away and walked quickly back to his dimly lit room. Walking through the haziness that had settled upon him. His breathing shook tremendously as he closed the door behind him when he got there. Pilfering through numerous cupboards and unintentionally knocking out glasses onto the floor so that broke into pieces. Rifling through cutlery drawers looking for something in particular.

He pulled out a black handled kitchen knife and hurriedly exposed the inside of his left forearm, taking the knife in his right hand and holding his index finger over the top of the knife edge. He took shallow and steady breaths as he cut a diagonal line into his flesh with his trembling hand shaking the blade as it cut him, still feeling his heart pounding in his ears. Gritting his teeth as he watched the blood trickle out, gasping quietly and tilting his head upwards as a few droplets splattered onto the floor. Shutting his eyes and welcoming the darkness that claimed him until the morning.


	7. Back to normality and my loss of control

**Chapter 6: Back to normality and my loss of control**

Waking up once again on a hard floor was not a particularly pleasant experience for a second time. He was lying on his back and he was not in a comfortable position. There was a small pool of blood beneath his cut arm that was still warm, and he was aching all over from having slept on the floor again. He was pretty sure that waking up like this on a regular basis wasn't healthy for him.

He groaned as his system pulled him back from the depths of the sleep that he was in; again trying to recollect where he was and what had happened. Half of which he would rather forget.

"Ow my head…"

He had fallen unconscious again. Possibly from the loss of blood or from the personality shift. His mind had gone into shock and he had passed out from both mental and physical exhaustion. Dawn hadn't broken yet so it was still dark and nobody was awake yet. Aizen heaved his tired body up and got to his feet, taking care not to stand in the pool of blood that had left his arm. He stumbled and grabbed onto the work surface to steady himself so that he didn't fall over again. He then went into the bathroom and washed his face, deciding that after today he would shower. After splashing the lukewarm water onto his face to wash the soap away, he dried his face with one of the white towels on the rail beside him. He then turned his attention to his freshly made wound. He pulled the plug to empty the sink and filled it with fresh unsoaped water. He rolled up the sleeve to his shihakusho and haori and took a look at the cut he had made. He cupped his hand and poured the water onto the wound, washing away some of the excess blood from his arm. Hissing as it stung him, patting it dry lightly with the towel he had used to dry his face previously. There, it was clean. Now all he had to do was go and clean the blood on the kitchen floor. Because of his obsessive compulsion everything had to be spotlessly clean, so he didn't want to leave it in case the floor got stained by it. He just couldn't stand having dirt and mess around him. Even if there was a single mess he would clean it until it shined. Everything had to be put back in its original place once it had been used, and each object had an order that it had to be in. even his desk had to be perfectly straight and ink pens had to all be in one place.

When he went back into the kitchen from the bathroom he grabbed the wash basin from the kitchen sink and squirted some washing up liquid into it. He turned on the taps and then filled the bowl with warm water and got out one of his scrubbing brushes from inside one of the lower cupboards. Once the green squared basin was full, he lifted it out and placed it onto the floor beside the small pool of blood. He knelt down, rolled up his sleeves again and dunked the scrubbing brush into the water, setting himself about cleaning up the evidence that he had self harmed last night. He scrubbed that floor until every trace of red had been removed from the wooden panels that made up the floor to his little kitchen. Having removed his DNA from the wood he stood up and smiled to himself.

"There, perfect. Not a single trace of it left."

He then poured all of the bloody water back down the sink, turning on the taps again so that any remaining traces of the red disappeared and washed down the drain. By the time he had turned off the taps again and put the bowl back into the sink the sun was just coming over the horizon. He decided to wash up the dishes that he had used a few days ago before heading out for the day for work. He watched the sun slowly rise from its own peaceful slumber with envy. His own sleep had not been peaceful. He didn't wake up comfortably, and he certainly didn't go to sleep on his own terms. His own sleep was because of the shock of what he had done. How he envied everyone else right now, all sound asleep. He had dark circles beneath his eyes and his joints were still stiff from being in the position that he had regained consciousness in. He took a deep breath of the fresh dawn, of the new day that lay ahead of him. It was quiet in the Seireitei. And only the sounds of the birds flying high in the sky could be heard. If there were nothing plaguing his mind right now, then maybe he might have enjoyed being out here while the sun was rising. But, sadly, this was not the case. There were many things on his mind that he was worrying about.

He wandered around for a couple of hours before the daylight completely dawned. Today was going to be very, very long. When the time drew nearer he decided to just head on down to the office early, albeit very early, and get a head start on the paperwork. He thought that it would take his mind off the bad things. But before that he had some business to attend to down at the commander general's office. He just had to fill out a form that he had left in the drawer of his desk first. It didn't take him very long, so he was able to take his time on his way down to the first division. He dropped the form in without any major complaints and then headed back towards the office in order to get some work done.

He had been working for quite some time. And he was not really sure of how long he had been sitting in that chair for, but quite a considerable amount of time had passed before Gin came in.

"Good morning Ichimaru." Aizen said coolly, not really looking at him.

Gin gulped. He heard it because it was still very quiet. This was fear; he was still afraid of him. But that was to be expected after all that had gone on behind the scenes. From what pain had been inflicted on him.

"Mornin' Taichou."

"Your examination will begin at noon. Be there at the general commanders' office on time, and not late like you usually are for meetings."

"Huh? But, what examination?"

Aizen stopped writing and looked up. Honestly, why did Gin have to ask such stupid questions? Aizen had already made his point quite clear on what Gin was supposed to do.

"I have put you in for the examination that will determine your suitability for captaincy. Please do not be late."

He shuffled the papers that he had just finished completing and set them down into a neat pile to the side of him. Making sure that it was perfectly straight.

"But, Taichou… I didn't cut you."

Aizen looked directly at his bewildered fukutaichou and exhaled. He held out his left arm and quickly pulled back his shihakusho to fully expose his arm. Fully displaying his self inflicted wound to Ichimaru with an expressionless face.

"You did."

He saw Gin's jaw drop. He saw the shock in his eyes as he re-covered the wound, once again hiding that it ever existed. He had proven his point.

"I'll let you prepare." He said, getting up to leave. Turning his head to face Gin as he stepped into the doorway and smiling softly before leaving. He would have smiled wider but he was low on energy. Which wasn't surprising really.

"I have the utmost confidence in you."

And with that, he left. He went off to find one young shinigami in particular. He had a lot of time to spare, so he could find who he was looking for. He went out to ask around where this person was, very soon finding out where they were. It didn't take long to track her down either. He found her just as she was about to depart through the senkai gate to the world of the living. He saw her and strode up casually to where she was waiting for the gate to open.

"Oh hello Momo, long time no see."

"Hm?"

She looked around, wondering who it was that was calling her. Then gaping at the visitor in excitement.

"Ahh~ Aizen Taichou!"

Aizen smiled kindly at her. Wondering whether or not he should be blunt when asking his next question.

"Oh, you must be wondering why I am here. Well, it appears that quite soon today I will have a new position of fukutaichou to fill. And I was wondering if your feet would be able to fill the empty shoes."

Momo gasped. Be Aizen's fukutaichou? Of course she could. It had always been her life's ambition to serve in the Gotei Thirteen under Aizen Sousuke. And she would jump at any chance to be able to do so. Come hell or high water.

"Aizen Taichou, I would be more than happy to be your new fukutaichou!" She pepped up cheerfully. Giving Aizen one the biggest and most genuine smiles that he had ever seen in his life. Excluding Gin's of course. Because lately he wasn't even sure if he was smiling like he really meant it. He wasn't sure if any of Gin's recent smiles were genuine any more.

"Very good. But you'll have to wait and see if the position actually does open up."

"Huh? Why?"

"My current lieutenant is being examined for captaincy as we speak."

"Really? I hope he does well."

Aizen smiled. "Hmm. Me too."

When he'd left her, he told her that she would be informed of whether she had been promoted or not through a hell butterfly later on. He waved her goodbye and asked her not to leave on any business and ordered a replacement to be sent out in her place.

He then walked with her back to her barracks and her original post, catching up with all that had happened to her and the two others he had met in the bar and then taken to the his favorite sushi restaurant. By the time they had got there and he left her again, it was about time that Gin's exam would finish, so he started on his way over to the first division again to wait outside. He waited there quite expectantly, pacing nervously for minutes on end. His hands fidgeting uncontrollably because of his nerves for Gin. Hoping and praying that he was seen as suitable. And that he didn't fuck up everything that they had both worked so hard to rebuild.

When the door opened and Gin did walk out Aizen's head perked up. He couldn't tell what had happened because Gin's smile was no different from usual. Meaning he had to ask how it went. As Gin strode past him Aizen moved alongside him, subtly making his appearance next to his fukutaichou.

"Were you successful?"

Gin just smiled back at him, not looking at him directly, but still facing forward.

"Yep."

"Then I am very proud."

A silent sigh of relief escaped him.

_"__See, there was nothing to worry about.__"_He told himself as the both of them walked down the pathway. _"__He did fine. All is going well.__"_

On their way they passed numerous other shinigami. And each one of them made sure that when they walked past Ichimaru that they gave him a very wide birth. He knew that people were afraid of him, and Aizen was sure that it must be an uncomfortable feeling to have people avoid you like that, and so kept Gin occupied so that he didn't think of being the social outcast.

"Your next task is to appoint a good second. Do you know of Kira Izuru?"

"I think so."

"Find him. He will be useful for us."

"Hai Taichou."

And with that, they parted ways. He had his own second to appoint after all. When he parted with Gin, he summoned a hell butterfly with a message for Hinamori informing her of her new position. When he arrived back to his office he found her there waiting for him. Did she run there?

"Hinamori you're… early."

"Uh huh, I ran as fast as I could when I heard."

"You didn't need to run you know, I could have waited."

She laughed nervously.

"Well, I was just so excited!"

Aizen smiled at her. Good, she was enthusiastic. This one was going to be loyal to him. That was good to know.

"That's good to know. Now, let's get you orientated shall we?"

He spent pretty much half of the day getting all of the transfer paperwork sorted out and making sure that she was clear with her new duties, so when he decided to go out for a walk to try and relax a bit he ran into Gin and Izuru when he was on his way passing through one of the courtyards. He greeted them both and then proceeded to have a quiet talk with Gin.

"So Gin, how are you finding it?"

"It's alrigh'. I'm still kinda getting' used to it."

Good, he was coping well, maybe this wouldn't be so stressful after all. Maybe if they were apart more often then he wouldn't be thinking about being violent towards Gin again. Maybe the urges, both sexual and otherwise, would start to disappear. It was a long shot, but still it was worth a try right?

"As expected." he smiled again, taking a look down at Kira. "Not giving you any trouble is he?"

Kira shook his head vigorously. And Aizen then continued his rather hushed conversation with Gin again. Gin didn't seem too happy. And to Aizen's surprise, his own voice suddenly became very harsh. Almost angry.

"He still distrusts me."

"Then make him loyal to you. I don't care what it takes."

"You mean threaten him."

"Threaten him, drown him, do whatever you want. I strongly suggest you drown the whelp if he proves useless."

Gin glanced quickly down at Kira, his expression wavering. Only momentarily. And the both of them then exchanged a look that said _"__Yes, I know.__"_

"Well, I'm sure you two have to get going." Aizen smiled, switching back into his normal self again. His voice becoming softer like it was before, and his eyes relaxing again. He once again returned to be the true Aizen, and not this other sadist that was attempting to take control. That was the lie. The hurtful and abusive side of him was the lie.

"I'll see you two later." He smiled, continuing on his way again. His voice involuntarily turning harsh once more as he passed Gin.

"Friday."

As soon as he'd said it he knew it. That fighting himself, his inner demon, was going to be much harder that he thought it would be. But when the day passed and the evening drew nearer and nearer, somehow the tension seemed to grow within him. It grew difficult to concentrate, but somehow he managed to maintain his composure. When it eventually went past very late in the evening now and it was quite dark outside, he dismissed Hinamori and waited for Gin to show up. About half an hour passed and still no sign of him. This was doing nothing for him as he needed to talk to him to further his plan. And he was just getting more vexed the later it got as the other side voiced itself.

_"__He__'__s late again. Lazy bastard, is he good for nothing but a fuck?__"_

So when Gin did enter the room he was pretty pissed.

"You're late."

Gin said nothing. This only riling Aizen up further.

"So, does he trust you now?"

"No."

"What? Surely by now he would have at least warmed up to we are to make any progress then you are to gain his trust by whatever means necessary, understand?"

Aizen raised his eyebrows at him; he wanted the boy to at least acknowledge what he was asking.

"Gin?"

Gin's smile widened enough to show Aizen his teeth. Seemingly amused at something.

"Oh, I understand. Bu' I aint gonna do it."

"What?"

Aizen felt his entire jaw tense. He hadn't expected Gin to refuse him, and so hadn't planned a contingency. He thought that since Gin did openly, and honestly, swear his complete being unto him, that he wouldn't even have the audacity to defy him. He even stopped writing, his whole body just suddenly stopping and nothing, not even one part of him, moved even an inch.

He glared up at Gin, again repeating himself just to make sure that what he had heard was true.

"What?"

"I said… I aint gonna do it. Not just to watch ya break him again."

He didn't say anything after that. He could just feel like he was being forced into the passenger seat of his own metaphorical car again, being shoved out of the way again while his body acted of its own accord. He got up off his chair, slowly pushing it away behind him. His slow and steady footsteps echoing on the wooden panels of the floor. Feeling absolutely nothing as he made the short walk over to his subordinate.

He watched him, he was trying not to show any emotion, to not show any fear before Aizen. This was a pure, unbridled sense of pure physical and emotional fear he could feel from Gin, which only seemed to anger him further. The boys arms were trembling by his sides, his very fists shaking. Not even glancing away from the brown and angry eyes that were intently glaring down upon him.

_"__How fucking dare he?!__" _the voice inside of him screamed again, ignoring the pleas from the other side of him.

_"__No! Please! Don__'__t hurt him!__"_

_"__He's fucking disobeyed me!!!__"_

It all happened so quickly, his hand moved out and all time seemed to accelerate in a rush of anger.

He had slapped him. Hard enough so that Gin's head was forced to the side, so that he would register the situation he was in. Gin didn't turn back to look at him, he just kept his head there, again, hurting.

"Going to defy me again?"

Gin didn't move, he had gone into shock, he was breathing quietly. The other voice screeching at him, much to the dismay of the regular Aizen.

"Look at me."

_"__You piece of shit!__"_

_"__NO! Don__'__t!__"_

His hand thrust itself into Gin's white hair and pulled. The entire weight of him yanking and then throwing Gin into the corner of the desk, making sure that he hit into it head first. Tossing him aside like the useless fuck that he was. When he struggled to get up Aizen just smacked him in the ribs, making him collapse to the floor again.

"Fucking bitch!"

"Ugh."

He jumped on him and then the violence escalated through the roof. He gave Gin multiple blows to the head, neck, stomach and ribs. He watched as Gin tried to struggle up and get to his feet and make a run for it, but he was prepared for that. Just as he started to run Aizen lunged for his wrist, catching him just as he was about to escape, clenching tightly and twisting it upwards and behind Gin's back. And how Gin did scream, he hated the sound but it somehow it was music to his ears.

"Excruciating isn't it?"

"Yes!"

"This is the price of defying me Gin."

He twisted Gin's wrist around further which made Gin scream again. And Aizen let one of the most sinister smiles creep steadily across his face, thinking about his next move. Merely beginning to contemplate the amount of damage he could do. His voice becoming deeper with more darker, more sultry tones showing through. While still remaining cold, calculating and merciless.

"Hm, you know, I could chop your arm off right now. If I so desired it…"

"No please don't!"

"Hmph. It is my arm now, I will do as I like with it."

"God NO!"

"You are helpless now, correct?"

"Yes!"

Good, at least the whelp knew that he was in a helpless position to fight him any longer and wouldn't struggle against him any more.

"So," he continued, watching Gin breathe harshly. "Are you going to gain his trust now?" He asked, tightening his grip further on the boy's wrist.

"No!" Gin growled.

"Wrong answer." Aizen said, deciding that now was a good time to inflict more pain to get Gin to comply. He twisted Gin's arm up and further, digging his nails into the pale flesh that was within his grasp. Watching as the hot blood of his subordinate slowly dripped from it and onto his fingers. Revelling in the macabre sense of horror in Gin's eyes. Gin let out another uncontrollable yell of pain as Aizen's eyes became colder, along with his voice.

"I shall not ask again, are you going to gain his trust for me?"

Aizen's fingers moved minutely, causing Gin's wrist to make a rather loud click and Gin howled with the consequence of it.

"Hai!"

"Good."

He then released the hold he had over Gin and observed as he tumbled onto the floor in a wretched and bleeding mess. His arm was swollen and his wrist was profusely trickling blood. His lips were trembling and he could see the tears of emotional hurt welling up in his eyes. Aizen looked down emotionlessly at him for a moment before stepping over Gin and then walking away. He didn't see Gin break down and cry.

* * *

Yes, I have no shame when it comes to Kill Bill references. Or Matrix references for that matter. Ya know, with the blue and red pills.


	8. The darker side of me

**Chapter 7: The darker side of me**

Aizen took a deep breath. God he was angry now.

He stormed off down the hallways and went outside into the cooler night air outside, half slamming the sliding door behind him in his frustration. Damning everything about the world to hell. He leaned against the wall and ran his fingers through his messy mop of mousy brown hair, continuing to curse under his breath.

It was a dark night, and many of the stars were out now, or just beginning to come out and light up the sky. How he looked to the heavens and thought of the future, of being rid of this stupid existence in the Soul Society. Of being in the vast, vast, vast plains of the hollow world which was Huecco Mundo. Of the day when he would bring order back into this order less land. But until that point came he was stuck here, with what could only be described by him to be a futile existence. Well, of course it was, he wanted to go higher. He wanted to stand atop the very universe. But at this stage, that was only imaginable. He would actually have to get there first.

Rifling through his shihakusho he managed to dig out an already opened packet of cigarettes and took one into his mouth. Then he tried to place the whereabouts of his lighter on his person.

"Damn it, where is it?" he growled, his teeth gritting in his annoyance at not being able to find it quicker. It wasn't in the front where he kept his cigarettes stored, so he then began to turn out his pockets, still grumbling and swearing under his breath. And eventually he found it. It was only a small lighter, rectangular in shape. The metal was smooth, but there were a few dents and scratches from some previous combat, both with hollows and other shinigami. He took a good long, detailed look at it. Holding it in between his index finger and thumb. Opening it and closing it with said thumb as he let the thoughts simmer. Life was going to be difficult before it became easy again.

He played around with his little man made device for some time, actually contemplating whether or not he should light the cigarette or not. He had told himself that he would quit, or at least cut down on the amount of them that he did smoke. But ultimately decided against it. For tonight at least.

Covering the end of the cigarette, the end he was going to light, from the night, he flicked the little switch on the metal lighter with his thumb to ignite it and then let out a quick sigh before putting his lighter back into one of his pockets again. He took a deep hit from the tobacco and sighed deeply. Still aggravated at the useless waste of a body that was his former lieutenant.

He breathed out the smoke heavily and once again leaned against the wall, with the full length of his back touching the cool wall.

"Fuck me…"

Smoking always did calm his nerves, he'd smoked before going into his captain's exam, he smoked before going on difficult missions. He even smoked before having at it with Zaraki Kenpachi. And undoubtedly it would calm him down now.

After being outside for a while, he decided to light another. And then another. Getting swallowed up in his own train of thought. Thinking about his actions, none of which he regretted right now though. But this isn't the real Aizen we are seeing right now. This is the darker side of him. The abusive and angry side.

"Pathetic…" he snarled. Clearly he was thinking about Gin.

If Gin had only just gone and done what he was supposed to do then none of this would have been necessary.

"Stupid."

Was he really that useless?

Apparently.

Was he not good for anything?

Probably.

Good for a quick fuck maybe, but that was about it.

Not that the other side thought so. The other side didn't think that way. And it was doubtful that he ever would. The other side thought quite the opposite of what he did, much to his displeasure. How they could have maintained that sort of relationship seemed beyond him. He just couldn't understand it. And even beginning to contemplate that side of him having any _other_ form of relationship with Gin just seemed… so unidealistic.

_"Can that idiot do nothing right?__"_

Well, for one, Gin was the best part of useless. Exactly why Sousuke wanted him around was beyond even his comprehension. But Aizen wasn't exactly interested in that. All he wanted to know is that Gin was capable of doing as he was told. And if that took some degree of force to be able to get him to do so, then so be it.

But Aizen on the other hand, the dark Aizen, thought that Gin was good for nothing else but as a toy. His to use and abuse whenever he felt like it. His to play with, his to fuck, his to manipulate. Gin swore everything, Aizen would take everything. They had made a deal, an unbreakable vow. Gin had surrendered his entire being and handed it over to him, all just too willingly. It was perfect.

He had a young, pretty boy to mess around with. He had a young, beautiful boy at his very fingertips. Lovely pale skin to touch whenever he wanted. Fragile veins to puncture whenever he so desired. It was, for the lack of a better word, good. He could make Gin do whatever he wanted him to do. Gin was his to touch and fuck whenever he wanted; it was like he owned him. He'd got himself a new whore.

Well, he hadn't had a new toy to play with in ages, from what little he could remember when he'd had full control over Sousuke before. But maybe the kid had forgotten about it by now. Well, he always was a fool for blondes…

He held his cigarette in his fingers and took another hit from it. Breathing deeply and remembering his previous toy. Of which, sadly, he had never seen again after that.

_"Pity really.__"_

Blonde hair, dark blue eyes... pretty face. He always went for the pretty ones. The pretty, young, fragile ones. He smirked to himself, only just now realising that he had a certain type. Funny though, he couldn't for the life of him remember that boy's name. He could remember him though; he could remember his face exactly how it was when they had met. And what a surreal moment that was. He was, how to put this… demure. Innocent. Not like anything else he had ever seen. He was… pure.

He could tell, he was watching. He was watching when Sousuke talked to him during that lecture he was called to stand in for at the medical department. After that it was easy. It was just _so_ easy to take control of his body then and have his wicked way with the boy. Gin was the same. Easy to trap. Easy to lure in.

The things his other side didn't know about…

Chose to block out…

Chose to ignore…

Those were the terrifying things. What he actually did to the lambs that wandered so blindly into the wolf's den. That was the scary part. That nobody ever saw it coming.

He remembered the first one, the one before Gin. Maybe he would see him again and they could pick up from where they left off. He smiled menacingly to himself as he entertained the thought. Really, it certainly would be interesting.

_"What would he look like now?__" _he wondered. Hell, he didn't even know where he would be right now. That's if he was still alive.

He stood there thinking about it for a while, only getting about half way through his fifth cigarette when he heard a voice, getting louder as it got nearer.

"Aizen Taichou?"

_"Shit.__" _He growled, having to very quickly hide the fact that he had ever been smoking. It had been made prohibited and he wasn't amused about it. Scrambling around he tried to throw the cigarette onto the floor, stand on it and then somehow make it look like he was doing something. All in the space of a few seconds.

It didn't work.

The door behind him opened and he was met by his fukutaichou.

"Aizen Taichou, were you smoking?"

He was standing there with his back straight up against the wall, his expression pretty much priceless.

"No." he said, disregarding the smoke steadily ascending into the air from behind him. "What do you want?"

"Umm I- I just…"

"Well?" he glared at her, not really in the mood for her right this second. He wasn't really in the mood for anyone right this second, but that was not the point.

"N- never mind! I'll come back later."

He sighed again. Great, he had to abandon his last cigarette for _that?_

_"Pathetic. Oh well, maybe she could be somewhat entertaining.__"_

He needed a drink. In fact he wanted to drink a lot. There was some alcohol in his kitchen, that's if he didn't knock it over and break the bottles when he made that stupid cut on his arm. Sometimes he could be a bit of an idiot. He walked back pretty hurriedly. Not really wanting to stay around for much longer in the open. When he got back he turned the light on and started to pilfer through the cupboards, taking out a rather large bottle of what he was looking for. At least he and his other side had something in common. At least when it came to alcohol.

He pulled off his haori onto the back of his chair and took a big gulp from the bottle in his hand, throwing himself into the chair. He really was exhausted. Gods, he hadn't been this tired in a long time. He knew that Sousuke would regain control again when the morning came, but frankly he was too tired and pissed off to care. He downed the rest of the sake in the bottle and then passed out until the dawn came.


	9. Ginaholic

About the chapter title, I tried to be witty. Who else here apart from me and CFH is a Ginaholic? No, not the beverage. Haha, I can see it now, Aizen in an AA meeting...

Aizen - "Hi my name is Aizen and I'm a Ginaholic."

random guy - "Oh, so you drink Gin too?"

Aizen - "That's... not what I meant..."

* * *

**Chapter 8: Ginaholic**

When Aizen woke up he wasn't hung over. In fact, he felt fine. He rarely ever got hangovers, and when he did they didn't seem to last for very long. Maybe at the most a few hours, but they never lasted for a whole day. But at least he woke up comfortably this time, even though he didn't quite remember everything that happened yesterday.

This memory loss seemed to be becoming more frequent lately, because of the events that triggered the personality shift and the change back would often leave gaps in his memories when he woke up. This was steadily becoming the norm in his daily life. And although he hated not knowing what he had been doing, he knew that he was forgetting for a reason. This being the stress caused and ultimately the shock that his body would go into if he ever did remember the actions he took. The all too vivid images of his own violence would be enough to send him toppling over the edge. Never to climb back up again. Because that it what the mind does to protect itself.

He didn't really know what time it was, but it was late in the morning when he did wake up. He didn't know what time it was of course, but he was certain that he couldn't have woken before sunrise again. He groaned heavily, heaving himself out of his chair and pulling his heavy body to its feet again. Well at least he wasn't stiff jointed again today. He had had enough of waking up being in physical pain.

He decided that today he would shower. He needed it. He needed to wash away whatever filth was on him. So he got into the shower and turned the hot water on, letting it wet him thoroughly. He wanted the water to wash away everything. He wanted his thoughts to just be washed away. How he wanted that, but it wouldn't happen. They would still be there. Still growling at the back of his head. The abusive side would still mewl and hiss at him and voice its thoughts explicitly. Demanding to have its new toy.

He fathomed some of the fitful dream he had last night, but not all of it. But then again, he didn't want to really and truly believe that it was nothing more than a nightmare. It would spiral him into shock and he would lose what little control he had left. And that wouldn't be good for anyone. He had pictured being angry, but what about though he couldn't imagine. He sighed deeply. Letting the water wash over him for just a few moments longer before stepping out.

The water dripped from his body as he stood there momentarily. The droplets hitting the floor being the only sound audible. The demon inhabiting him slowly waking from its temporary slumber. It would begin voicing itself soon. And he knew it. He knew it all too well, and he felt his strength left to fight it fade away. He couldn't keep doing this. He couldn't keep exhausting himself. Either his body would give out or he would get too weak and tired to fight the takeover from the intrusive thoughts. He could feel himself becoming addicted to Gin, and it wasn't a healthy addiction. It was more of a need than a want of him. And because he was obsessive compulsive, that meant that the frustration of not having things a certain way would just add to it. It was like Gin was becoming the very object of the obsession. He would just want more and more of him, regardless of whether it was consensual or not. It wasn't healthy, really.

The thoughts would resume again and he knew that soon it would overwhelm him. He was frustrated. Urges were overcoming him. And how he would get through today without snapping he never knew. how he could ever get through this whole thing was just so far away right now that he couldn't even begin to contemplate.

He was at breaking point, just teetering on the edge there, waiting to be pushed either way. Balanced on a knife edge. Just waiting there.

When he had eventually dried and dressed himself he decided to go to work. his mind was in no condition for it though. Despite what he thought, he was sure that he could get through the day. He would just have to sedate these thoughts somehow. Quiet them and smother them to death. Somehow. And maybe then he could live how he perceived other people to live.

Maybe.

He did go to work, doing things seemed to take his mind off it. Until around mid day, that was when it all started to change. That was when it all started to go downhill. The demon woke up, and it demanded food. It wanted to claw down the innards of his gut until it got its next fix of Gin. It screamed and howled until it would get its way.

And it would get its way.

It would get its way very easily.

All it would have to do was to play on the sexual urges that existed there before. After that it was easy. Just give him a little push after that and then Gin would he his. Then he could fuck Gin to his hearts content. Hell, all night long if he wanted to. Just give him one long screw, just saying to fuck with the consequences.

_"Do you want your pretty fuck again?__"_

Aizen could feel his heart start to pound. The nerves start to gather. The thoughts all coming to him at once. It was not easy to fend off, but it got worse as it got darker.

_"His flesh on your flesh, his bone on your bone__…"_

It was all too much. It was all just too fucking much to deal with.

_"Stop it.__"_

Just thinking about Gin's naked, exposed body was sending him reeling. Thoughts of being on top of that body was just making things much worse. He had to leave, he had to get out. He couldn't take it much longer, it was devouring him.

_"You want him and you know it. Don__'t even lie.__"_

So what if he did. What if that was what he wanted but didn't want to admit? What then? Did that really matter?

Of course it did.

That was what got twisted. Altered. Mutated into something horrible and terrible. Something abusive and violent that was supposed to be an act of love. Supposed to be, but something went hideously wrong. It is questionable when this personality developed, but it is said that separate personalities formed as a coping mechanism for severe trauma. This personality was developing more each day because of the obsession compulsion and the transference of his desires onto Gin. Needless to say it is a rather complicated subject this, and not always explainable. But the mind of Sousuke Aizen is a complicated matter. The mind of anyone is a complicated matter. It all depends on the history of the person in question, who they are, what they want, and how they react to different situations. What they think, how they think, and what they do can all be determined by examining the person psychologically as well as physically.

_"You want him__… you want him bad.__"_

Aizen clenched his hands on his hair and moaned. The voice wasn't lying.

"Go away…" he muttered quietly under his breath. "Go away, go away, go away, go away…"

He went all hazy again, this wasn't good. It was taking over again. Damn it, why now? Why did it have to be now?

_"Don__'t you want to touch him? I thought you did__…"_

He ran out of the room, almost at breaking point now. Quickly trying to get as far away as possible, cutting himself would silence it. It worked before. If he could just do that before it took a hold of him then he would be fine.

_"Touching him__… fucking him__… your tongue in his mouth__…"_

_"No__…"_

_"Don__'t lie to me__… you want him don__'t you?__"_

Aizen's breath rasped, it was like he was being consumed inside, like something was overcoming his entire body. His muscles trembled, his heart palpated. It was like before, when everything just slipped right out of his fingers. All sense of control falling out of him as he flung himself through the door to the outer courtyard. Still trying to breathe through the dense air surrounding him and bearing itself down within him. It was becoming harder and harder to breathe now. He inhaled, trying to get the air into his lungs, but it was so difficult that he nearly collapsed onto the floor.

"Ah! N- no…"

_"Don__'t lie to me Sousuke.__" _

He gasped as it took over, attempting to draw in air through the haze. He couldn't breathe any more.

The voice growled softly.

_"Soft skin, pale flesh__…"_

Aizen groaned again and tried to drown it out, shut out the other part of him that was supposed to stay hidden. But he failed. He just couldn't quiet the demon that was devouring and arousing him.

_"Gin.__"_

He could feel himself slipping away.

_"You. want. Gin.__"_

All strength left him. His breathing became heavier. Dizziness came and passed over him as he let his head hang while the struggle to breathe became easier. His breath trembled and shook now, every intake of air wracking his entire ribcage and even his hands trembled. Hearing his own heart slowly beating around his ears, he soon found himself answering his own question.

"Yes…"

It gasped at him, consumed him. His eyes changed and darkened, and there was something about him that exuded the darkness within. He was the same person, and yet he had changed completely. Facial expression, demeanour, facial features. For once he actually looked feral and wild. His eyes spoke of both a desire and a madness. Of lust and violence. Everything that Sousuke had fought so hard to try and suppress had fought its way up to the surface. This was the true face of Aizen. The evil smile and cruel, cruel eyes. The face of a mad man, the face of a killer, the face of an abuser. Indeed, truly the face of real evil. The face that looked like everybody else. The face that would be seen as trustworthy. But it is really the face that lies. The 'normal' face that everyone sees and yet nobody sees. Because it is the ones we trust that are capable of the greatest evils. And the fact that we do not really know them that makes it all the more terrifying. Because the truth is; absolutely anyone is capable of evil.

He staggered a few steps, still in a haze. Walking through the dream world in between the transition between the two sides of him. Slipping through the cracks and surrendering himself completely to his uninhibited psychological and sexual urges. Letting them take over.

He leaned against the wall, his eyes now being the only thing besides the moon illuminating the night. Footsteps. He heard footsteps.

He placed his palm onto the stone wall that supported him as he tried to stand up straight, the transitional period in its final rehabilitating stages. Sensation of his limbs was starting to return, and he could breathe again. But the footsteps got louder. And a familiar reitsu filled the air around him.

The footsteps echoed into the night, and Aizen knew where he was.

He waited there, hiding in the dark, letting the smile creep steadily across his jaw. The darkened shape would turn the corner soon, and he would be ready for it.

As soon as he saw the shadow he jumped. His hand instinctively finding the neck and firmly holding it against the wall, immobilising the target. Holding him there as he tried to struggle out of his grip.

"Hello Gin."

Gin's eyes widened in shock with a look of pure terror upon his face as he watched Aizen's grin widen. Displaying his teeth in one of those very rare and sinister smiles that only ever meant one thing.

"I want to play a game."

* * *

Yep... I like Saw references too... well I did go and see Saw VI about this far into the plot. What do you expect?


	10. I like it rough

Uhhhh... jeez, this's embarrassing reading it back now. yep. Embarrassing. I needed... so much yaoi, for this one scene.

And also, it is here, at this point during the writing process, that I break down, cry, and call everything that you have just read previously and are about to read, every single word of it, "absolute shit". Don't feel that way now though. Not one bit. Just thought I'd share that. I remember this scene being very difficult.

* * *

**Chapter 9: I like it rough**

Fear. He could smell the raw fear emanating from Gin, pouring out from every part of him as he stood there frozen against the wall. Caught in Aizen's cold and icy vice like grip, unable to move a muscle. Aizen's hand tightened around his neck, giving him this rush of adrenaline that clearly showed the fight or flight response in him. His grip on Gin's neck tightened, but he wasn't squeezing it. He didn't need to. He felt Gin's entire body tremble against his own, the fear completely filling Gin's eyes now as he got closer. His breath shaking as Gin panted and looked around for any chance of escape. Both spiritual pressures were going wild.

"Gin…" he whispered into his ear, his lips quivering as he spoke. His voice deepening and trembling madly as Gin's scent filled his nostrils. The scent of fear arousing and stimulating him. Getting so close to the exposed nape of Gin's neck, just close enough to touch it.

"Don't struggle."

"N- no…"

Hands moved downwards and then the lust took over. Gin whimpering as Aizen's hands took Gin in the direction he wanted him to go. Gin tried to struggle, tried to fight but it didn't work. Aizen was too strong. He watched as Gin panicked, tried to escape from what would very quickly become a night of pure hell. Gin was tired so he didn't fight back as hard as he could have. So backing him into the bedroom was easy enough. Gin couldn't run away now.

Aizen slammed the door shut, just as his free hand made for Gin's wrist, twisting it and sending him hurtling onto the floor. He scrambled to his feet only to be grabbed again by the neck and forced onto the bed. Gin whimpered as he was held there, being held down in such a vulnerable position. His arms being restrained above his head, being kept there forcibly by Aizen.

"Don't struggle."

Gin whimpered quietly, waiting in dread. This would not be the first time that he was taken by force. But even so, the fear was unmistakable. Remarkable even.

Because Gin was afraid…

Being pinned down by Aizen and held there against his will, looking at his face and making eye contact. That was what scared him. The very fact that Aizen could do whatever he wanted to him and nobody would ever know if it. Nobody would hear him scream.

Aizen's full body weight was on him now, keeping him there, not allowing him to struggle. Not allowing him to fight. He was just being held there. As Aizen's hands slowly and steadily stripped him bare. His hands touching the soft smooth skin of Gin's shoulders, slowly pulling his shihakusho off of him, exposing more of that muscular body. That muscular body that he'd moulded and shaped through rigorous training, the body he had sculpted and watched grow and mature into what was now lying beneath him. Writhing under him.

He felt Gin's body tense under him, his breath shuddering as his fingertips ran over his pale skin. Taking in every moment, every touch. Gazing down upon the male. His pupils dilating as he thought about what he could do to him. Thinking of the pleasure that he could derive from him. Gin looked pleadingly up at him, he wasn't struggling any more. He was just looking up at him with nothing but fear in his eyes, begging him not to go through with it. His eyes slowly starting to water as he begged. He was going to cry, and he knew it.

"n- no… p- please…"

Gin breathed harshly, trying to get his voice out from somewhere between the nerves and the fear. The sheer terror that had consumed him. Looking up at him like an abandoned puppy.

"Ai- Aizen, please don't… d- don't hurt me…"

Aizen didn't say anything. But his thoughts screamed. His thoughts became worse as the arousal heightened in his body. God he wanted to fuck him so badly, but he decided that there was no real use in breaking a toy this early on. He wanted to at least play with him a little first.

"Oh no, you're mine now you filthy whore…"

Gin whimpered again in protest as Aizen's hands worked their way down his exposed body. Down his soft flesh as his breath trembled its way onto Gin's neck. Followed by the tips of Aizen's fingers, touching the soft tender flesh there. Gin whimpering through gritted teeth as Aizen's hand found its way around the pale neck. Gently stroking it as Gin hissed.

"Ugh, n- no…"

A lick of the tongue made Gin moan. And Aizen shuddered at how he tasted. His hand moved to Gin's chin and turned his head to the side so he could taste it again. God how he missed that taste. Tantalising his tongue and enticing his taste buds to it. Always making him wanting more of it. His lips against the soft skin again followed by his tongue was just so good.

Then the teeth sank in and Gin winced. Pain seemed to be the only thing that Aizen wanted to inflict as he got his way. Gently biting his neck as his hand drifted slowly, ever so slowly downwards. Working its way down to his stomach and then wandering to in between Gin's legs, gently fondling and squeezing. Aizen breathed out tremendously shakily as he lay there on top of Gin's undressed form. Forcing Gin to shudder and wince in pain and discomfort underneath him as Aizen's hand took the full length of him. Gin yelped as the hand moved slowly, touching places it shouldn't be as Gin tried to struggle and get away, but it was no use. Aizen was also heavier thah him, so he couldn't move.

Aizen kept him there for some time, fondling Gin while also undressing himself. It was just flesh on flesh now. Bone upon bone.

Aizen licked his lips and dived in again for Gin's neck. Licking, kissing, taking in his scent and taste. Touching him intimately, revelling in his moans and cries. Making him uncomfortable and make him growl involuntarily. Making him writhe and twist under him, enjoying every single moment of it. Ignoring the moans of protest coming from Ichimaru as he continued to put pressure on his tender parts and run his hand over the full extent of Gin's length, watching him moan with whatever feelings of disgust he seemed to have.

"So… virginous…"

He traced his hand around in circles on Gin's abdomen again, liking what he saw. Gin's pretty face becoming flushed, his bare body looking so fragile there. He brought his fingers down again, down to Gin's upper leg and around to the inside of his thigh, restraining his breathing. There was more fun to be had yet.

He kept his hand there for a moment, taking it in. taking it all in. how his skin felt, the beguiling moans of displeasure before forcing his fingers into him. Grinning wildly as he did so. Causing pain and suffering, tearing Gin apart from the inside. Gin gritted his teeth and tried to restrain the scream and keep it from escaping him, but Aizen only pushed his fingers in until the full length of them were inside of Gin and making him scream in agony.

"Scream, fuck."

Gin screamed again, and Aizen kept his fingers there, prolonging it. Dragging it out before removing his fingers, feeling his length grow stiff. Then moving his hips over Gins into the right position over him. Not being able to restrain himself for much longer. Making sure that Gin felt his erection against him before forcibly pushing himself into him. Entering him slowly and steadily. Pleasure surging through his body with every subtle movement made. Holding Gin's wrists down as he entered him, slowly yet forcefully. Starting to thrust madly. Digging his fingers into Gin's wrists as he violently took him, making him bleed heavily. Hot blood trickling from Gin's wrists as well as from his body. Staining the pure white bed sheets with the profuse amount of blood that poured from him as Aizen fucked him wildly. His hand around Gin's neck again. Uttering profanities every time Gin tried to push him away. Cursing loudly as he roughly violated him.

"Fu- fu- fuck… Gin… ugh…"

Gin cried out in pain with every move he made, half choking as Aizen squeezed his neck again, deriving such intense physical pleasures from him and ignore his screams of objection. Climaxing in the intense heat of the sex. With moans of both pleasure and pain filling the night.

He was not gentle.


	11. What I've done

Embarrassing fic is embarassing. 'nough said. No comments on the beginning please, I don't even know what I was thinking. Embarrassing fic is embarrassing enough without the comments on the beginning.

This was the day that I wrote with the monitor turned off and word open. It must have worked. Good cure for writers block, just type with the screen turned off. That way ya can't look at what you presume is trash until the end. Or in my case, after 30 days. It works.

* * *

**Chapter 10: What I've done**

He was not gentle with him. Not gentle at all. Rough, violent and sadistic may be words to use instead, but never gentle. Not loving. Every movement just got rougher, causing more and more hot blood to trickle from the other's body and onto the bed. The hot tickling sensation of it dripping down the skin of the seme, who was now gripping the neck of the uke as he was climaxing. Drawing breath in harshly as he screwed the other; the victim of his abuse.

Gin cried out in pain with every thrust Aizen made into him, praying to the very gods that he would stop. But he didn't. Silent tears falling from his red eyes that were now becoming bloodshot. He whimpered as Aizen felt himself empty into him, collapsing onto Gin's chest from exhaustion, panting heavily. Gin's chest rising and falling shakily as Aizen lay there on top of him, both bodies covered in sweat. There, done.

He pulled himself out of Gin, still with trembling muscles all over. It is at this point after enduring this that some form of reassurance to the uke is given, and the point that something romantic is said. In any normal case this would be so. But this is no normal case. So nothing was said. No sound existed in that room apart from laboured breathing and heavy panting. No kisses were given, no embraces were made. Just silence between the two of them. Maybe in an alternate reality this might have been so, but not here. Not now. Not after all of the trauma and abuse.

Neither one, not Aizen or Gin, moved. They just lay there together for what seemed to be an eternity. Every second felt like an hour. They lay there together, both naked and completely exposed in that dark room until their harsh breathing subsided and Aizen climbed off of Gin and got to his feet. He was still all hazy but he managed to find his hakama and put it on and then stagger out of the room, leaving Gin alone and exposed in his room, leaving his clothes behind him. He didn't really know where to go, but as soon as he closed the door shut behind him and got outside, he wretched and vomited.

"Damn it Sousuke. Why does your body always do this to me?"

He gasped in air as he tried to get the rest of the undigested food that was rejected by his body. He couldn't breathe again, he was becoming dizzy and disorientated. He had to lean against the wall to steady himself and stop him from falling over. He was panting heavily and trying to breathe through the nausea that had just this second overcome him. He bent over and vomited again.

"Ugh… what the… ow my head…."

His head was pounding. His heartbeat racing. He had to go somewhere, the dawn was breaking and the sun was starting to rise now. He didn't even know what time it was, but he knew he couldn't stay standing up for much longer. He needed to collapse, his body was telling him to collapse. All the energy had been drained out of him. He tried to walk, to somehow get to Gin's empty vacant room, walking unsteadily through the empty streets at four in the morning when the sun was starting to appear over the horizon. Nobody was around, which was probably all for the better seeing the state of undress he was in right now. All covered in blood that wasn't his own, and looking a mess right now. So it was probably better that no one saw him like this. It might have seemed like he was either drunk or he had been in a fight. Or he had gone on an all night killing spree within the Seireitei. To be fair, he did look a lot like a mass murderer and serial killer right now.

He broke out into a run, the haze starting to lift. Gradually getting faster and faster as he ran, the sun getting higher and higher into the sky, waking the sleeping shinigami all over the Seireitei. He had to get there before anybody saw him. They would ask questions he didn't want to have to answer. He would look like a liar since he was covered in blood and sweat. Only the blood was not his own.

He couldn't face it. Or them. Not right now. He didn't even want to. He just wanted to disappear. Vanish from the face of the earth. Cross out what he had become, erase what he had done. Let go and end everything. He didn't want this. He was shifting back to himself again, the real Aizen. The one everybody new and trusted. The other side was fading away with the moon and the nights darkness. Getting fainter and fainter. He turned the corner just as people were emerging from their rooms, greeting the new day with sleep filled eyes. Each one of them unaware that Aizen had spent the entire night awake. Doing things that he shouldn't. to someone he shouldn't.

He burst into Gin's room and slammed it shut behind him so that the entire room shook with the impact. He locked the door. Not even registering the fact that the instalment of this lock was recent. He just wanted to be away from the outside world. He tore out all of the drawers looking for another sharp object. Something to slash his veins with, something to slit his wrists with.

Finding nothing, he headed into the bathroom in a panic. Tearing everything down, finding not even one razor blade with which to inflict harm on himself. He was panting again, not being able to breathe as the realisation of what he'd done dawned on him. His eyes drew to the mirror, his reflection shocking him. He was not looking at himself, he was looking at someone else.

It was the eyes.

What he saw was almost as terrifying as looking into the gates of hell, knowing that that was where you would be going. Seeing all of the pain and suffering in hell before you had to walk in.

Those black eyes.

Those yellow pupils.

White skin.

White hair.

It looked just like him. Only it was not him. This was what terrified him the most in the world. Looking directly into the eyes of his other self. The other side of him that existed alongside him. Seeing every thing, watching everything. Hollow eyes, uncaring and noticing of pain. Blind to suffering. Blind to agony. Blind to hurt.

It seemed to smirk back at him, and it was, the very first time that Aizen saw his own 'true' face. His other half, the other part of him that consumed part of his soul. It truly terrified him. Just being face to face with it, looking right at it, really scared the shit out of him. He started to shake. This was _his own reflection. _

He couldn't move, he was looking at the man in the mirror, seeing him as his victims had seen him when he abused them. He didn't like it.

Was this really him?

Was he really looking at the real Aizen Sousuke? Or was he just delirious? Could he really be hallucinating, or was he staring the truth right in the face. Was this a lie? He always knew that there was another side to him, but to really be looking at it seemed too surreal.

No, this couldn't be…

Was this really him?

He was looking at the face that lied to them, the face that abused them. The face that they saw when they were looking at him. When he talked to them, when he was with them. Was this what they saw?

Was this who Gin saw when he looked at him? Or was this just some form of illusion?

He didn't know, all he knew was that this was himself he was looking at. And that no matter how different, no matter how distorted and evil, and that no matter how violent, he knew that this was the other half of him. The face of a liar, the face of a killer. The face of an abuser. This was the real man in the mirror. And this man was him.

He couldn't move, he started to shake again. He couldn't believe it; was this really him? Was this what he was becoming? He was struggling to breathe normally now, his breath shook his entire ribcage, no, this wasn't right. Not right at all. He never wanted to cause hurt, he never wanted to let this happen.

Everything was just slipping beyond his scope of control now. It was like falling down and into a bottomless cavern, waiting for an impact with the floor that would never come. Tumbling and falling down and down, falling into the embrace of madness, the embrace of the darkness within him. Doing what he'd done again and again, wanting always to erase it all.

"What am I becoming?"

Knowing that he could never start again, knowing that he could never undo it. All the hurt caused, all the abuse inflicted. Not just upon Gin but upon the unnamed blonde haired boy from years ago. Knowing that it would not end. Just knowing that was enough to shock the system. Just enough to push him off of that knife edge he was standing on, and make him fall continuously indo the depths of a negative psychosis. A state of mind that was not there. A state of mind that he wanted to get rid of. That was what scared him; the fact that he was capable of doing such god awful things to other human beings. Hurting and causing pain.

This was what he wanted to disappear, what he wanted to suppress. He just couldn't live like this. Waking up not knowing the events of the past night, cutting himself to alleviate the guilt, knowing that it wouldn't do anything.

"Just fucking disappear!" he screamed out at the top of his lungs as he brought his wrist down onto the bathroom mirror and smashed it into pieces. Cutting his wrist in the process.

He watched all of the pieces fall around him. If only mercy could wash over him now and forgive him like the mirror. He wanted to just break mirrors instead of promises. How he wanted to let go, let it all go. Stop this whole thing, clean the slate right now with his uncertain hands. Start over.

But he could never start over. He knew that. Whatever pain may come to him he could never go back and get rid of it. The stain on his soul would forever remain there. Even if the damage could be undone.

His hands dove for a large enough chunk of the glass. Trembling and shaking, ever uncertain of what they were doing.

"What have I done?!"

He screamed out to the high heavens and demanded an answer, knowing that none would come to him as he screamed and slashed his wrists one after the other, wanting to bleed it all out. He gripped the piece of the mirror so hard that his hand bled, plunging the glass into his wrist with such fury, wanting desperately for the blood to pour from him. Wanting to end it all. Blood squirting and gushing from the arteries and veins on each of his wrists as the glass punctured and slashed through them. Staining everything it touched.

He let it empty from him, letting it go so easily, washing away everything. All of his guilt, all of his pain, all of his uncertainty, all of his will to live. Wanting to start again, today this ends. Today this ended and he could start over, wipe clean the bloodstained slate. Today he regretted his last. He would end it, he wouldn't let himself hurt Gin again, he loved him too much for that to ever happen again. He said farewell to guilt, he wanted to be gone. He wanted all of this to end. He wanted to be able to wake up in the morning and remember where he was; maybe if he vanished he could do that. He could wash away in the tides of life and death.

Because that was the only way he could ever be forgiven for it.

He felt weak, all of the strength leaving his limbs, the strength to stand leaving him along with vast amounts of blood. He gripped onto the sink, not being able to support himself and falling to the floor, watching his wrists bleed heavily onto the light blue tiled floor. He tried to breathe steadier and calm down, not wanting to let the sight or the scent of blood to panic him as he left this life.

He tilted his head to look upwards, facing himself in one of the larger shards of the mirror that lay scattered around him, watching the black eyed boy that was Aizen Sousuke slowly disappear from it. Sighing in relief when it vanished completely, deriving the truth from the thousands of lies. He watched and waited for the end to come, for sleep to take him away from his body. For good. For all of eternity.

Waiting to die, slowly watching the time pass as the blood from his body slowly emptied out onto the pale floor beneath him as he lay there curled up in Gin's bathroom. Maybe in the morning they would find him. Maybe they would find out everything. Maybe then Gin could live without him, and be free. Maybe then he could start over, maybe then mercy could come and wash away what he'd done.

He watched as the world grew slowly darker along with the pool of blood. The bathroom floor reddening as he grew paler. Steadily crawling over onto his stomach and then onto his side. Waiting for the darkness to come and take him. Regretting everything.

"Forgive me…"

He slowly curled up, bringing his knees closer to his chest and letting his body relax. Letting only a few quiet tears fall from his softened brown eyes, quietly crying over all that had happened. Because he thought he could handle it, but in the end it was just too much for him.

"I'm sorry…"

And then, when he felt that he could stay awake no more, he closed his eyes, and for what would presumably be for the very last time, he fell asleep.


	12. Mirror, flower, water, moon

My many many thanks go to nii-sama for providing me with ideas for this chapter when I was completely stuck with what to do. He gave me the skeleton, I just gave meat to the bones. You are a genius nii-sama! Genius I say!

Ahh, I love the images I used here...

* * *

**Chapter 11: Mirror, flower, water, moon **

When the dawn came Aizen was still lying there. Still. Quiet. Motionless. The world was probably wondering where he was right now. Nobody would ever think to look for him though, but maybe it was better that way. And even if they did decide to look for him, nobody would ever think to search the room of his former fukutaichou. So it was doubtful that he would be found, if he were alive that is.

He did not stir until around noon, his eyes slowly and gradually opening when he regained his sense of consciousness. The light somewhat blinded him, his eyes being caught in the rays of sunlight shining in on him through the little window. He gritted his teeth in his sleep as he moved and shifted a little. He moaned softly as he gradually awakened from his long overdue twelve hour sleep. Opening his eyes he could see everything starting to come back into focus again, starting to un blur itself and sharpen and focus to he could see clearly again. His glasses were somewhere on the floor next to him, but he didn't know where. He could see without them anyway so it did not really matter all that much to him anyway. He dragged his body up from the bloody pool that he had been lying in all night and most of the day. Still with such conflicting emotions in him. Hurt, anger, rage, guilt.

He breathed deeply, taking a look at the self inflicted wounds on his wrists and his arms. The wounds that should have killed him.

After his breathing grew more and more ragged and uneven, he then flew into a screaming rage.

"Argh! Why aren't I dead?! WHY?! Why am I not fucking dead?!"

He screamed loudly, banging his fists and his head against the wall. He had wanted to die, he had wanted to fucking die, so why was he still here and awake? What kind of force had the power to keep him alive?

In his fit of anger he swung his arm out and knocked over one of Gin's vases, full of water with a white lily standing in it. He watched it fall down as time just slowed right down. Watching as it tumbled down towards the floor. Aizen stood there staring at it, watching as it fell, his pupils constricting and getting smaller, beads of sweat trickling down his entire body as the reflection of the falling vase became mirrored in his eyes. His heart was pounding so loudly that he could feel it bash against the inside of his chest and hear the beats in his ears.

His hands were twitching by his sides as he stood there and watched it smash into pieces, watching his very soul shatter along with it.

He just stood there. Staring at the broken pieces, and the water spreading quickly across the floor and merging in with the blood on the floor. Staring at the mess he has created. Not just the vase, but everything.

He stood there silently for a few minutes. Taking it all in. Angrily eyeing his destruction before falling to his knees into the pool of blood, crying again as he clutched his head in his hands.

"Why did it have to be like this?"

He lifted his head upwards to look at the plain white wall in front of him, staring blankly at it. His eyes starting to twitch as he saw everything that he had done that previous night replay upon that wall to him. Flashbacking to what he did to Gin. His mind putting all of the pieces back together.

And for a brief second his eyes dilate and it is in this brief second that his mind is completely reformed. All of the missing pieces to the puzzle immediately slot back into place, and he is horrified. He is horrified at what he sees, at what he remembers.

Though in an instant, his eyes begin to go dark again like those of a hollow and his pupils constrict again. His eyes then turn completely. Black as the night sky. Continuously twitching as he lost himself to a semi unconscious state. Losing his mind completely, breaking up again into pieces.

He got up again, unsteadily. He was unstable. In fact he was far from stable. He staggered almost drunk like. Almost like he was sleep walking. He was awake yet not awake, almost zombie like, in a way.

He walks towards the wall he was staring at previously and reveals the cuts on his wrists and begins to write the kanji for 'DIE' on the wall, smearing his blood everywhere, in a complete trance. Once more in the dream like state he was in between the transition of the two different personalities of himself. But he was stuck somewhere between the two. Right now he was neither one nor the other. He wrote the word out slowly, letting the blood pouring from his wrists thicken onto the pale wall as he wrote out his angst and pain. Breathing very heavily now as he wrote out the kanji largely onto the white wall. The blood trickling down his arm as he smeared most of it on to the white, staining it a deep dark red. He was still covered in both his and Gin's blood. It was on his clothes, on his skin. It was everywhere, there was just red everywhere. On the walls, on the floor. Everywhere.

He just finished writing out the kanji on the wall with his blood when all the strength to stay awake left his body. He couldn't even stand up any more, the amount of blood he had lost drained him and made him feel weak. Leading him to collapse onto the floor again, into the pool of blood and water. Cutting himself numerous times on the shards of the mirror that lay scattered around him, each red with blood. He collapsed again, slipping back into sleep again; a sleep from which he hoped that he would never wake up from.

He just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up…

He just lay there, bleeding out slowly again and waiting for the darkness to come to him again. Still covered in blood and water. The bloodstained flower lying somewhere out of his sight. Drifting off to sleep again, only to find that sleep only came over him when the moon came out and he could see it looking down upon his through the little bathroom window to Gin's room.

And as he lay there, he thought to himself, that if he were the moon then he would be a bloodstained moon. He was like the moon now, he was an illusion now. He was a self created illusion that he had to maintain, that he had been maintaining. The true side of him had consumed him, and now he was going to pay dearly for letting it. With no less than his very life. And no more than his very sanity.


	13. The bloodstained sheets and memory loss

I've just realised something. In chapter 7 I put "He wanted to stand atop the very universe." But now I realise that this is impossible. Well for one, he would implode because of the pressure. And two, just where would he stand? There's nothing to stand _on. _It's physically impossible.

Aizen, it's funny how you want the impossible. I know you're already dead, but that's beside the point, you would still implode. Though I did laugh a lot when I realised that you can't stand on top of the universe. There, somehow I have managed to crackify such a dark fic. Sort of.

* * *

**Chapter 12: The bloodstained sheets and memory loss**

He awoke at the crack of dawn the next day, remembering nothing. He didn't have a clue where he was or what had happened. All he knew was that he was in a bathroom locked from the inside. How he had gotten to be there he didn't know, he couldn't remember. It was late in the morning now, and almost half of the day had gone by. But he didn't really care. All he knew was that he was in a bathroom, and lying in a pool of liquid. His eyes twitched slightly as they started to open. Aizen groaned softly, trying to move his limbs to get up, feeling the sensation of liquid on his fingertips. Was this water? It felt like water but he wasn't quite sure. It was thicker, more viscous a liquid than water. When he did open his eyes he lifted his hand to see what it was.

Blood.

"What? Is this… blood?"

He gathered some more feeling in his arms and legs, moving them only to find many shattered pieces of glass on the floor both around him and underneath him. Digging and cutting slightly into him, not that he could feel anything at this present moment. He dragged himself onto his hands and knees, looking around the completely wrecked bathroom. He had no idea how he got there, nor who made this mess that was surrounding him, but he knew that this was not a good sign. Not a good sign at all. He reached up to grab onto the edge of the bath to support himself as he dragged his body up so that he could stand. Which proved to be quite difficult because his legs were shaking uncontrollably and he was considerably weak now. He had been through a hell of a lot, but he couldn't remember anything for the life of him. He was just a man who had unknowingly woken up in a shit state in the trashed bathroom of his former fukutaichou.

"Where… where am I?"

He doesn't know anything.

Because that's what the mind does. When it suffers a great amount of psychological trauma, it eradicates all memory of the event that had caused the trauma. It erases all evidence and thus the memory of the thing, or things, that caused the mind to go into panic mode. It gets rid of what it sees to be damaging in order to maintain the sanity of the mind and to protect it from deteriorating the body. That is what happened to Aizen, his mind went into shock because of the severe trauma. Because of the guilt associated with the abuse he inflicted the mind erased it as a coping mechanism for the trauma.

And as a result memory is lost. How much memory is lost is questionable though, but it varies on the amount of trauma the mind has suffered. The mind has many coping mechanisms for this kind of trauma, but only a few of them are ever used normally in a lifetime. Sousuke Aizen however, is another story entirely. There are many mechanisms that his own mind has employed against itself to try and erase the painful events that have occurred. And each of them have had contradictory, and often harmful effects on his body. Most of which he has already experienced.

He looks at the wall above the sink; the mirror has been broken. So those shards of glass on the floor were the pieces of that mirror. There was more pieces of glass on the floor as well, different white pieces of glass this time. What were they from? Were they from something else? A glass ornament maybe. He wasn't sure. His knees were shaking something awful, and he placed is hand on one of his knees to try and steady himself. Once they had stopped shaking so much he took a more detailed look around. He rubbed his hand over his face. Wait, where were his glasses?

He quickly turned and looked around for them, the originally blank wall now catching his attention. On the wall, on the once white wall that lay before him, smeared in blood, was a word.

It was the word 'DIE'.

The kanji for death was written on that wall in red, staining it with blood. Death was before him, staring him straight in the face.

He started to tremble, only now taking a look down at himself. Only just now noticing that his plain white hakama was stained with that same red and dripping wet with blood. His hands trembled. His body shook. His breathing wracked. He was standing there as he looked down at his blood covered body and the drops of blood splattering onto the floor to join the large puddle of blood at his bare feet. He noticed that it was coming from his own wrists, trickling through the sleeves of his hakama.

He slowly steadied himself from falling over again, and slowly, very very slowly, pulled back the hakama to show his wrists. Only to find that they had been slashed and stabbed repeatedly.

He started to pant heavily, his breathing becoming more rapid and shallow. His wrists were… bleeding? His wrists had been slit? What was going on? What was happening to him? Something was wrong here, very horribly wrong. Had he done this?

There was nobody else here but him, and the bathroom door was locked from the inside, so it must have been him that did this. The window was too small for anybody to fit through, and there was no other way out. But, what… what could have possessed him to do this? Why would he have hurt and damaged himself like this? Aizen had never really thought himself to be the type to self harm in any way, and any possible reason why he would do never occurred to him.

But all that aside, he was here now, he was alive, so what did it matter. He took a few deep breaths and then took a re conformed look at the room he was in. First, he would need to clean up this mess. But before he did that, he needed to find out where he was. His bare feet padded across the bloody floor as he stepped over a small cluster of the glass shards and he unlocked the door. It opened inwards so he had to step to the side, almost cutting the soles of his feet as he stepped aside to open the door fully. He took a few steps out and into the other room, taking care not to knock anything else over because he knew that he wouldn't be able to leave it if he did. Because everything had to be clean whenever he left a room, otherwise it would drive him nuts.

He padded across the carpet, leaving bloody foot prints behind him with every step he made. Looking around to see where on earth he currently was. It was a room quite similar to his own, only this wasn't his room, that was for sure. Nothing in here was belonging to him. It was like being a resident in somebody else's house and knowing that you were not allowed to touch any thing there. It was surreal. Even the scent of the room was different.

"It smells like… Gin?"

He was in Gin's room. And an image of Gin sparks to mind.

"Gin… Gin…"

He was not here. In fact he was probably going about his day as normal now. Not that he would come looking for Aizen. He wouldn't even dare to. Nobody ever came looking for Aizen if they had any sense at all. Nobody in the soul society would even think about going out and looking for such a dangerous man. Not unless they were Zaraki Kenpachi, or if they had a death wish.

The image of Gin one could see from just looking at his room and living space would be that of a disorganised layabout. But he knew otherwise. There was clutter there, but not mess. There were just things like books and manga copies from his numerous trips to the living world previously from when he was younger. But the room was tidy, Aizen would give him that much. He stepped over a small pile of them on the floor, being careful to not get blood on them, and made his way into the kitchen, padding across to the cupboards. Opening it, he was able to find the cleaning supplies without much difficulty. Although it wasn't quite obvious when the last time this place was cleaned was. Probably very recently from what he could gather anyway, but he needed to get the blood off of the floor and off of the bathroom wall. So he thought that he'd better clean the rest of it as well. Well, nobody wants to come home to find somebody else's blood smeared all over the walls of their bathroom and bloody hand prints on the toilet do they?

He grabbed a bucket with the cleaning materials in it that he needed and filled it with hot water. Testing it with his fingertips to make sure that it was at the right temperature so that he didn't burn himself when he immersed his hands when he started cleaning. When it was about half full, he added some washing up liquid and chucked in the scrubbing brush. He then padded back out into the other room and carried on through to the small bathroom.

It really was a mess. Blood everywhere. Bloody red hand prints on the toilet and the sink. And the blood smeared kanji on the blank wall that was once pure white. It was like the scene of a murder. Sighing at the amount of work he had to do to get this place spotless again how he liked it, he dropped to his knees into the puddle and set the bucket down next to him. He thrust his hand into the water to grab the brush and then he started to scrub the floor. It would definitely take him a while, and he ended up having to pour some of the soapy water onto the floor to try and lift the thick of he blood off. He scrubbed for what seemed to be hours before any of it seemed to lift off. He moved the brush backwards and forwards as he scrubbed that floor to its original colour again. Finding his glasses about part way through. He didn't put them on though, they were dripping with blood, and he hated putting dirty things on. Even his clothes had to be clean; he would never wear dirty clothes. It would just irk him and irritate him all day. On the one occasion that he had to wear unwashed clothes he was so tetchy and irritated that he almost tore off his clothes in public he was that annoyed that they weren't clean. Much to his then fukutaichou's displeasure and embarrassment of course. Gin never really lived that down.

After he had finished with the floor, he then moved onto the red hand prints. Once those were gone the last thing left was the wall. He stood there and looked at the kanji written there in the red liquid now dried onto the wall in puzzlement.

"Who wrote this? Somebody obviously wants me dead…"

But, who could have wanted him gone? Who could possibly want Aizen out of the picture? But that didn't matter, he could figure that part out later. All he had to do right now was to get rid of all of the red from this room. Vanish it from the walls and from the floors. Wipe away the crimson hand prints and he was done. Then he could sort himself out and get out of here. He didn't really like being in other people's rooms without permission. After all, he hated it when people just walked into his own room without him saying that they could go in. it was just disrespectful.

He picked up the shards of glass too and put them into the now empty bucket. He had poured all of the remaining water onto the blood soaked wall to loosen off the blood. He then started to scrub away at the blood on the wall. Trying to remove the command 'die'. He wasn't going to die, not yet. He had too much to do before he kicked the bucket. He had a plan to execute. He had people to see and things to do. There was no way he was going to die just yet.

What he didn't know though, was that if his wrists had been slit, why he wasn't dead. Judging by the amount of blood he had evidently lost, he should have been dead by now.

The wall was a lot harder to clean off than the floor. It took him almost twice as long, because the blood was dried onto the paintwork. He tried to get as much of it off as he could, but there was still a faint remnant of the word written there. And no matter how much he did try, he just couldn't remove it. Oh well, he would just have to leave it now. It wasn't very visible, not so eye catchingly visible that it made you stop and stare, but visible enough so that you could see it if you were actually looking for it. So, not quite satisfied that his work was pretty much done, he decided to scrub the carpet and wash his feet in the bath. Just so that he would not get any more blood anywhere else, otherwise he would have to clean it again. Sometimes he hated having obsessive compulsive disorder. He really did sometimes.

He padded out of the now fully cleaned bathroom and tried to look for some clean clothes. He couldn't go out like he was now; he was still covered in blood. So he would just have to temporarily borrow some clothing of Gin's. Only temporarily though, he would give it back as soon as he could. Abandoning his blood covered hakama, he managed to find a dark blue yakuta, a favourite of Gin's lying around. It was the only one that he could find, and it was the only thing that remotely looked like it would fit him, so it would have to do. So he pulled it on and made attempts to hide his bloodstained garment in a pile of other laundry that needed doing as he made his way back to his own room. It was quite early in the evening now, and he had no doubt missed a whole day at work, but he had to make sure that Gin's room was clean. He couldn't help himself, it wasn't like he could just walk away from that amount of mess. Well, he couldn't even walk away from even a small amount of mess, because that's just how he was. He just had to obsessively clean things and have things a certain way. It's not like he could help it.

He pulled on the yakuta and grabbed the bucket full of glass and emptied it into the bin. He did his best to not make it look like he had ever been in here. He grabbed his bloodstained hakama and some other things that needed washing and gathered up all of the white clothes and folded them into a pile, making sure that his hakama was at the bottom so that it wouldn't be seen by anybody. Once the clothes were folded he took his glasses from on the side of the sink and rinsed them off the best he could with his hands under the running tap. He couldn't get all of the dirt off though, so he would just have to soak them later. He took another quick look around to ensure that he hadn't forgotten anything and then he picked up the pile of clothes and his glasses on the top of them and headed out.

The people were looking at him as he walked down the corridors. Staring at him and whispering, making him just feel awkward. He clutched the clothes he was carrying tighter to him and quickened his pace. He knew he looked a mess. Nobody needed to tell him. All that mattered to him right now was hiding his blood trickling wrists from the rest of the world until he got back to his own room. That was all that he cared about right this second.

As he walked a few droplets splattered onto the floor behind him. Although he didn't notice it. His wrists were beginning to bleed and the blood was trickling down his forearms again. His hair was even more of a mess that usual and there was probably some blood on his face and the glasses that sat on top of the folded clothed he was carrying, but he didn't care. People could talk abut him all they wanted. He was just too exhausted and weak to care at this point. Despite the fact that it did make him feel like an outcast. He clutched the bloody hakama against his wounds to try and stop them bleeding out more, he was growing weaker and weaker the more blood that left him. His breathing became laboured and heavy, and he knew that he couldn't keep his eyes open for much longer either. He just needed to get to his room and sleep. He was slowly being drained of his energy.

The walk seemed to take ages, but when he did eventually get back to his own room, he dumped the laundry onto the floor and set about trying to bandage his wounds somehow.

"Damn… they're still bleeding."

He needed to stop the blood leaving him before he passed out. Which didn't prove to be too difficult. He managed to find an old clean cloth he could use and ripped that in two, tying one around each wrist. Having to use his teeth as well to tighten it. Once he had done that he could only think about going to sleep. He decided that he would deal with everything else in the morning or at some point tomorrow and just wanted to crawl into bed. The makeshift bandages looked like they would hold until the morning anyway.

When he walked into the bedroom though, his face completely froze. His eyes widened in horror, and his entire body tensed up. He couldn't believe what his eyes were seeing.

"What the… hell. Blood!"

The once white bed sheets were stained all over with mass amounts of blood. He knew that it definitely wasn't his because he had been in Gin's room. The amount of blood on the bed was staggering.

"What… what the hell happened here?"


	14. Object of my affection

Had to cover my eyes to click the upload button. Please forgive any errors you may see. This part was unplanned. I never intended this. Gotta admit though, my face must have been pretty priceless reading through the beginning.

* * *

**Chapter 13: Object of my affection**

His hands started to shake again.

"Wh- why is there blood on my bed?"

He was starting to tremble all over now. He couldn't think. What had happened here? Who had done this? He couldn't breathe, panic was starting to take over now. He had to calm down, he had to _think. _

Blood. Everywhere he went there was blood. In Gin's room, in his room. His legs just buckled beneath him and he fell to the floor again. Trying to gasp for air and trying to calm down. He couldn't remember anything. He didn't know what was going on any more. Had he been doing things without knowing about them? Or had somebody done this out of malice, to scare him. Was this somebody else's variation of the horses head in the bed? He didn't know. He racked his brain endlessly, but still couldn't come up with any reasonable explanation.

It frightened him.

The unknown scared him. Simply not knowing where he was or what he had been doing really scared the shit out of him. He liked to know everything, and was a bit of a control freak, so he didn't like it when he was kept in the dark about anything. He liked to have control over things. But this… this was the complete loss of control. This was the actualisation of his fear. The fear of not knowing, the fear of not being in control. But mostly, the fear of not being in control of himself. That bit was the most terrifying. Not knowing where you were or what you had been doing. Waking up in strange places and finding out that you had slashed your wrists.

He did know, he could put the pieces together quite easily. There was nobody else around and the door was locked from the inside when he woke up, so he had to have cut them himself.

But why? What would drive him to do that? What would drive him to write death on the walls?

Now Aizen was quite intelligent, he was what some people would call clever, but this really bewildered him. He was just alone and scared right now. Without any answers to his own questions.

He is alone. He is afraid.

Because he is human.

He is scared because he is human.

Every human feels fear. Every human experiences being frightened to some degree during their lifetime. But that is what the people don't see when they look at Aizen. They see this perpetually calm person, capable of doing many great things. A person who is always capable in the face of adversity. They never see the part of him that makes him human. They never see the part that still feels pain and emotion like everybody else. They choose to ignore the fact that he feels afraid. They turn a blind eye to the very things that make up humanity in him because they look up to and admire him. Because captains are supposed to be these towers of strength and wisdom, and that is what they are seen as. But they forget that they are still essentially human beings capable of feeling and not just creatures of instinct and power like they are believed to be.

They do not see this side of him. Not the scared, weak and vulnerable side of him that makes him a human.

He needed to calm down. Slow his rash breathing and think before he did anything even remotely stupid. Like cutting his wrists again. Not that he would, but he didn't even know what he was capable of any more. So he needed to think things through before he acted.

He clutched the sides if his head with both hands and whimpered, half on the edge of crying and breaking down now. Trying to tell himself to breathe and to calm down, he sat up and tilted his head upwards, breathing in and out as slowly as he could. He was still sweating. Still growing weaker and more tired by the minute. He needed to calm down. And somehow get to sleep. There was a spare pillow and a duvet in the closet, so he decided to sleep on the floor where he was tonight. He dragged his makeshift bed out and laid his head on the pillow. There was no way he was getting in that bed tonight. Not in the state it was in. but he couldn't do anything about it now, he just didn't have the energy to. He curled up under the blanket he had set out on the floor in the corner against the wall and slowly felt himself grow lighter. And after only just a few minutes he fell asleep. He slept for the whole night but he didn't sleep well.

He dreamed fitfully that night. Tossing and turning all night. Dreaming, seeing, reliving. His subconscious mind putting all of the pieces back together again before slipping away again into a deep state of sleep.

_He found himself talking to a group of people. About what exactly he couldn__'t remember. But it was something to do with the body. One of the people in this group catches his attention, a young one. A boy, quite possible a new one here. Se seems timid in front of him, but he catches his eyes. Gazing at them for only two seconds before the boy quickly glances away. Probably embarrassed. This ones eyes are of a deep blue, oceanic eyes he mused. Blue eyes, hay coloured hair. Slim build with a picturesque face. If he wasn__'t anything else then Sousuke would have said he were adorable. Such a pretty boy. Delicate and yet charming in his own way. Unscarred by the world. _

_This boy had quite a pretty face, and that was what stood out the most. His hair was long, somewhat covering his eyes, but not so long that he couldn__'t see. He had pale skin, like he didn__'t get outside much, but that seemed to suit him just fine. Sousuke catches his eyes wandering over to this one more often as he scans the group while lecturing them on the circulatory system and what to do in cases of severe haemorrhaging. The boy eagerly pays attention and takes a lot of notes. Curious about this subject was he? Or curious about him?_

_This amused him, Aizen, this boy. It was unclear as to the reason why, but as he kept looking him over he picks out all of the desirable features in a male. The features that he found desirable anyway. Their eyes meet again. His pale blue ones looking intensely into the soft brown ones he sees before him. There. Right there. _

_Flashing forward Sousuke sees himself with the boy again, on the same day, but on his own. He sees himself talking with the boy but he doesn__'t hear anything that is said. He is just simply seeing it all. Seeing it all from his own eyes and yet not from his own eyes. The dream skips forward in time again. This time he finds himself waiting. Waiting for something. Waiting for him to show up. His stomach doing somersaults in his gut, his heart pounding. He was pacing back and forth in his room now. The bedroom and everything in it as clear as day in his mind. It was late in the evening now, and he was waiting for this boy. He was continuously moving and jittering around, feeling so on edge. Feelings just continuously swirling around in the pit of his stomach. _

_Anticipation, fear, hunger, lust. _

_It was strange and uncertain exactly what he was feeling. Growing more frustrated with each second that passed. Was this boy ever going to show up?_

_The door opens and a figure walks in. It__'s him. _

_So god damn beautiful__…_

_The eyes of the boy was the first thing Aizen saw. The wide, oceanic eyes of an innocent boy. Untainted by the rest of the world. Unscarred by hurt and heartache, his skin like the snow, fresh and untouched, like the virgin snow. _

_"Aizen Taichou?__"_

_A soft and delicate voice calls his name. Quite possibly one of the sweetest voices Aizen has ever come across. Such a beguiling voice, the voice of a virgin. A virgin soon to be his. _

_"Come here__…"_

_He does not hear himself speak the boy__'s name. That part is omitted from this dream. That part is left out of the memory. The boy closes the sliding door to the outside world and slowly pads over to sit beside him, coming to the older shinigami__'s call. The young blonde sits close to him, and moving closer. Almost resting on Aizen__'s chest now. He breathes quietly, as if not wanting to make any sound, listening to the steady heartbeat of the older male who__'s arms he is in, lying calmly in the other__'s embrace. Aizen__'s fingers entwining themselves into the lovely blonde hair as he muses aloud that he always was a fool for blonde hair. _

_"You know, I always was a fool for blondes__…"_

_The younger one blushes, not used to such flattery. Clearly he was inexperienced. But he was assured that he was in capable hands. Gentle hands. In the embrace of warmth and kindness. In the embrace of a lover. _

_Oh to the gods how fragile this boy was. How soft and warm his small and tender body was. Aizen feels the boy exhale deeply, letting out one long satisfied sigh. He is content with his company, he knows he is loved. Despite the fact that this was the first night with him, he knows that he will be treated rightly. _

_He feels the boy__'s soft skin beneath his fingertips as he brings the younger one__'s face towards his own. Their lips drawing closer and closer, the flushed red face of the blonde now even more vivid. Bright blue eyes with widening black pupils directly looking into the brown ones. He could sense himself becoming lost in that blue. That deep, deep blue colour. The colour of water, the feeling of drowning and yet not drowning. Being sucked in to a different world. That was the kind of pull those eyes had. _

_Either how or why this whole thing started, he didn__'t know. He couldn__'t fathom the entire thing from this sequence he was being shown. From what he was reliving now he couldn__'t really tell anything, only the fact that it was real and that it was happening. Or rather, had already happened. _

_His heart skipped a beat as the both of their lips met. Aizen__'s tongue exploring the very depths of the young male__'s mouth as his free hand weaved itself into the blonde hair, gently pulling downwards so that he was in a full submissive state looking up at him as their tongues danced. His other hand working its way down the other__'s lower back and pulling him closer to him. The boy returned the kiss, which did amuse him because he didn__'t really know how to kiss, not that he cared. He would teach him after all. _

_A soft groan escapes him, unknowingly, as soft hands grace his chest with their presence. This boy really had a lot to learn about sex. But Sousuke was more than willing to be a teaching aid to him. He lets hands explore his body as more passion filled kisses are exchanged. With Sousuke making, even forcing, moans of pleasure from the blonde with much amusement. He breaks away, letting a wicked grin creep quickly across his face. For he knows he has ensnared the rabbit. And it will not be escaping that easily. _

_The boy moans again as his hands strip him, starting from the shoulders. Exposing the pale yet soft flesh of the male he now has captured. _

_Ensnared. _

_Trapped. _

_He removes the shihakusho from the male__'s shoulders, his fingertips now feeling the tender flesh of him, his lips now working there way down to his neck. Kissing and licking the most sensitive areas to make toe boy shudder and jump slightly at his touch. He knew what he was doing, even if the other male didn__'t. He knew how to stir up feelings of excitement on the boy. Send shudders up his very spine and leave him simply begging for more. Oh yes, he would definitely make him beg, but there would be more time for that later. He had to take things slowly with this one. He was a virgin after all. He couldn__'t just go and madly fuck him like a savage beast; he had to be slow with the build up. He had to be gentle with him. If he was going to fuck him, it had to be slow. _

_Soft moans escape him as inexperienced hands work upwards to his shoulders, taking off the hakama he is wearing. Well, it was all he was wearing. The glasses had been abandoned many hours previous. So there is nothing masking his eyes or face. His own hands completely exposing the rest of the blonde__'s body. The boy hesitates, breaking the kiss for a moment and blushing furiously, amusing him so. He laughs gently at the boys innocence, letting him rest on his chest and delve into his mouth for another deep kiss. Letting the younger tongue explore and try to dominate the other. He lets him play with him for a bit, not really putting up much resistance to him, for Sousuke wants to know what he tastes like. What he feels like. _

_Now he decides to become dominant. Pulling the boy closer towards him and intensifying the kiss while his hands wander up and down the blonde__'s bare back, causing small shudders and jumps of surprise. But he wasn__'t excited yet, there was still more to go before he could call the boy excited. He grabbed the male and gently yet forcefully laid him on his back on the floor, gazing down at his expression. grinning wickedly as his now very soon to be lover became hot and his face became heated. _

_"You didn__'t think that I was going to be the submissive one here now did you?__"_

_"N- no I.. ahh.__"_

_Aizen listened as the boy cried out when his hand subtly crept over to the boy__'s length and his fingers wrapped themselves around it. _

_"Hm?__" Sousuke motioned, somewhat bemused, __"do you like that? __…?__"_

_he says the young blonde__'s name again when he asks, but still he does not hear himself say it. So still, as far as he knows it, this blonde is still anonymous to Sousuke at this point. _

_"Y- yes__…"_

_"Then what about this?__"_

_He watched as the boy hissed and moaned as he so gently squeezed him as he shifted his squared hips over the top of the blonde__'s small and slender ones. One might say that this male had almost feminine hips. But he was in complete dominance now, in complete control of him. He could do whatever he wanted to him now. He could screw his pretty little virgin senseless if he so desired it. They were both lying on the floor now, completely naked. So it would be quite doable. _

_This one had quite small hips, almost bony even. He notices this as he studies the young body beneath him. Catching the other__'s hands wandering. Becoming more daring. Unsurely touching the length of the more dominant male and teasing it with his fingertips. _

_"If you__'re going to touch me, then touch me__…"_

_warm fingers enclose around his length. Warm fingers, soft fingers. The boy was beginning to breathe heavily, becoming more and more sensitive to every movement made. Aizen shuddered, letting his kisses wander downwards onto the boys neck, gently nibbling the flesh there and watching the boy writhe and moan pleasurably. His hands creeping very slowly back over the boy__'s abdomen, over his stomach and onto his shoulders again, gently caressing him as he went in for another deep tongued kiss. _

_Breaking away again, he could hear the boy breathe shakily as he stiffens, feeling the older male brush against the inside of his leg with his erection. Yet teasing the boy further. His wicked grin showing itself once more._

_But the boy broke off. Overcome by the whole situation. Either by nerves, fear, or probably both. But he pulled back out his tongue from the other__'s mouth._

_"Mm- nnuh__… w- wait.__"_

_"What?__"_

_"Ah, I don__'t think I__'m ready for this__…"_

_"But you came to me, did you not?__"_

_"Well yes, but__…"_

_"But what?__"_

_"It__… its just that__…"_

_He smiles down at him before asking the most obvious question. The ever wicked yet somewhat sinister grin getting wider as he confirms his suspicions. _

_"Boy are you telling me that I__'m your first?__"_

_"N- nu Gi- __"_

_He chuckles lightly before plunging his tongue down his throat and into his mouth, silencing any form of protest that would have poured forth. Quieting any sense of the outside world and any thoughts of anybody else other than him. _

_Because there was only them two there. _

_Nobody else mattered right now. _

_And that was the way it should be. _

_He slowly slid into the boy__'s tight passage, taking his sweet, sweet time while doing so. Watching the boy moan and gasp with much mirth as he did_

_"You came to me__… therefore, you are now mine.__" _

_There was no objection after that. Lips crashed together again with the intense heat of the moment and the thrusting began. The boy moaning with the pain each time he moved. But that was when it all changed, that was when it all shifted internally. That was when the psychological transition began. So, the other side existed even this far back__…_

_The movements got rougher. The moans of pleasure quickly became moans of discomfort, and then moans of pain. Aizen was getting lost, being pushed once more into the passenger seat of his mind. Getting shoved out of the control center of his own brain. Only able to watch himself having forceful and rough sex with his newly attained lover. He could feel the pleasure he was receiving, but he knew he was hurting the other. But he couldn__'t control his body any more. He just couldn__'t stop. He knew he was hurting his lover, he knew that he was causing a lot of pain, he could see that quite clearly, but he just couldn__'t restrain his own body from causing this hurt. _

_The boy was crying out in pain, nearly on the edge of crying now. How he wanted to stop, so badly he wanted to stop, but he was unable to. He just couldn__'t. it was as if he was lost, trapped inside of another person__'s body and being controlled by them, sensing and feeling everything that they did. Only able to watch as they acted. It was as if his body was a puppet on strings, being pulled by the puppet master to do their bidding, regardless of whether he wanted to do it or not. _

_"Ah! N- no.. p-please.. Ugh__…"_

_The boy whimpered, having no choice but to endure the hard thrusts of Aizen pounding into his fragile form, making him howl with agony. Tears starting to slowly trickle from the corners of his eyes. Trying not to meet the empty gaze of the one doing this hurt to him. The one who was making him scream. _

_Aizen was breathing so heavily now, drawing out each movement and holding the boy down as he tried to struggle out from underneath him, but he was too small, too weak to get away. It was survival of the fittest and this one had made a huge mistake in coming here tonight. Pleasure shuddered through him as he thrust harder, almost reaching his climax. Pushing harder into the passage of the boy with all of his pent up energy before finally releasing, ignoring the blood now beginning to trickle steadily out of his small body. His semen emptying out into the younger one with one final go at him, causing the boy to shudder and whimper uncontrollably. Aizen waited a few moments before pulling out and removing himself, regaining sense of control of his mind again. Realising the magnitude of it all. Something that wasn__'t supposed to be twisted had become twisted. Against his will it had become twisted. The other side of him had come in and just taken over, literally wrecking the body of his lover and making him bleed. He didn__'t know how it had happened; all he knew was that it was beyond his control. _

_"D- damn__…" he panted, still in a state of disbelief. His limbs starting to tremble. _

_"Oh god__…" the ravaged boy whimpered. Now starting to cry. __"Ow__…"_

_Sousuke looked over at his lover. His hurt and ravaged lover. _

_"It hurts__…"_

_Oh god, what had he done? He knows it was his first time but he hadn__'t meant to be that rough with him__…_

_"You liar. You__… you said it wouldn__'t hurt__…" The boy sobbed, the tears now falling from his lovely blue eyes. Eyes that only moments ago couldn__'t even look at him. He was trembling, he was shaking and crying. All because of him, and he couldn__'t bear it. He calls his name again, still not hearing himself say it. He then crawls over to the anonymous blonde and holds him, trying not to break down himself. His heart re breaking into pieces again. Like it had already done so many years ago because of this._

_"Don__'t cry__…" he said softly as the boy whimpered in his arms. __"I__'m sorry__…"_

_Why did this have to happen? Why did his stupid inner hollow have to come out just then and wreck everything? _

_Why?_

_Stupid fucking bitch__…_

_He tried to move but howled with the pain, more hot tears stinging his face. Oh god, this was a nightmare. Aizen hadn__'t anticipated the hollow coming in here. He thought he had control, he didn__'t even know of its existence until now, when it decided to get involved. If only it didn__'t__… if only it had just left him alone__… _

_"Sousuke__… wh- why did you hurt me?__" _

He jolted awake, suddenly being thrust from his dream, his memory, his nightmare. It was like he was not permitted to remember the rest, like his mind was chucking him out from its deep recesses as a defence mechanism. He sat bolt upright, still panting and shaking, still remembering more even though he was wide awake now. The scene still replaying in his mind even though he had already woken up. He panicked, looking around wildly, willing it to stop, willing the audio to stop replaying the rest of the sequence in his brain, and in his ears.

_"Because I__'m a complete and utter bastard.__"_

_"But your not, I know you. I know your not.__"_

He covered his ears with his palms, trying to shut it out. Trying to silence it but it just wasn't happening. He closed his eyes tightly and tried once more to sleep, hoping that would make it stop, but it didn't, he was just catapulted back there again.

_The boy wraps his arms around him and tries to bring him closer to him, but Sousuke just gently pushed him away again._

_"No, I am, and I know I am. I loved you and I just ended up hurting you badly. Just get out, you__'re too good for me.__"_

_He knows that his lover was abused in his past life by his mother, and he knows that it had taken a lot of strength to be able to come to him tonight, but in the end he just acted as savagely as she did. Going by the stories that Sousuke had been told many a moon ago when he had to hold and comfort him when he had nightmares about her. But in the end Aizen was just the same as she was. Cruel and abusive to him. _

_"But, but Sousuke__…"_

_"I said Get Out!__" He yelled, not really thinking about the fragile state of his mind. Not seeing the opportunity for his hollow to step in and be violent again. His palm making impact with his lovers face. The both of them freezing in horror at what he had just done. The blonde__'s head was forced to the side and Aizen__'s hands clasped over his mouth and face in shock. What had he done? What was he becoming? He had just raised his hands to the one he loved._

_"Oh gods__… I- I__'m so, so sorry, I- I didn__'t mean to-__"_

_He was shaking as he scrambled to his feet, and Aizen watched him, still unable to move. He watched as he hurriedly dressed and backed away from him, hurt and betrayal written all over his face. _

_"Just stay away from me!__" he yelled, backing away towards the door. Sousuke pulling on his hakama again and trying to go after him, only to be shouted at to be told to stay away again. As the boy quickly pulled his shihakusho back on, clutching it tightly to his chest. _

_"Don__'t come near me!__" he ordered, trying not to let his voice shake but failing miserably at trying to. _

_"You bastard jut stay the hell away from me!__" _

_He screamed out back at him before he ran off out of the room crying. Leaving the door to Aizen__'s bedroom open behind him. _

Aizen jumped awake again. Why did he have to go and remember _that?_ He was panting, he couldn't breathe. He was shaking violently.

But that wasn't the worst part.

The worst part was that he knew it wasn't just a dream, he knew that it wasn't just a nightmare. And that it had really happened.

"Oh god…"

He groans in desperation to try and forget the vivid images and the face of his former lover. Tries so very hard to get the ever so audible screams out of his ears because he is the only one awake that can hear them. But they wouldn't go away. Those eyes, that blonde, hay coloured hair, those oceanic blue eyes… he still sees it all.

And then it hits him, the very worst part of it all. He knows that he can put a name to the face.

He hears himself speak the name of his young lover. The very second that he remembers the boy's name.

"Izuru kun… please don't go."

* * *

*snif* so beautiful and yet so... so tragic. Now I know how you lot feel! Wahhh! Now you see why I had to cover my eyes! It had to be quick, it had to be painless.

Ughhh, I cried re-reading it, I cried writing it. This, this is heartbreaking, even for me. I never usually cry writing out angst. *sobs*

Please excusi while I go and get a tissue. *runs off crying*


	15. Post traumatic stress disorder

Okay, I think I've calmed down now. Even my laptop didn't want me to upload that last one. Really, it bluescreened on me TWICE when I tried to get it up.

Ugh, never work with Hollow Aizen. Ever. He always shows up late for work, he's never there when you need him to be, he's a pain in the arse to work with, and he just comes in and completely _wrecks_ the plans you have for the scenes. Yeah... just don't work with him.

* * *

**Chapter 14: Post traumatic stress disorder**

He scrambles to his feet, desperate. Nearly stumbling over as he tears the door open and runs sprinting down the corridor, still trapped in that previous moment in time, with no thoughts of escape. All that was on his mind was chasing Kira down. Calling his name out into the endless night he was running into, still caught up in the memory of that time.

"Izuru! Izuru!"

He tore down the corridors, still caught up in the memory of what had occurred so long ago. Nearly tripping and falling on numerous occasions as he ran, his wrists now starting to bleed again because his heart was racing. Thudding away in his chest. Warm blood starting to trickle out and onto his skin.. leaving it dripping out of the wounds behind him as he ran. Because his heart was beating faster and faster, the more blood poured out, making his body grow weaker and nearly making him stumble and fall over. Almost forcing his body to collapse stomach first onto the hard floorboards as he made his bare feet continue to send him forwards into the darkness.

He wanted to cry. In fact the tears were already starting to fall. He wanted to cry and apologise, say he was sorry and take it all back. What he said, what he did. Those were just stupid and idiotic mistakes. Mistakes that he really shouldn't have made, regardless of whether it was beyond his control or not.

_"I love you! I__'m sorry.__"_

Those were the words he wanted to say, but his tongue failed him, going immobile. Refusing to let him say those words.

_"Come back to me__…"_

He ran for what seemed like hours, stumbling and falling a couple of times, but managing, somehow, to pick himself up again and keep on running. He had no clue where he was going, but he knew that he just had to find him. His wrists were bleeding out severely now, and he was slowly becoming exhausted. His breathing was more laboured and heavy, but still he kept on running. Because he just had to find his love and…

Well, he didn't know what he would do after that. He hadn't thought that far ahead yet. But he couldn't think straight, not right now. Not after what had happened between them. It just couldn't end this way, not like this.

_"Please__…"_

Guilt and remorse are all that fills him as he thuds down the halls in search off his former lover, still reliving that night but unable to snap back out of it. To him, it is still that night. To him, none of the events that happened after that have occurred yet. All he can think about is being in that time, reliving everything. But today he runs after him when before, back when this actually occurred, he just broke down into pieces after Kira had left the room, swearing blind to never talk to him again. They haven't spoken for some time now. Months. Years even.

Not that he remembers this. Not that Aizen knows that this is only a memory he is simply re living. That sudden realisation comes later on.

But for now he just wants his lover back.

He wants to hold him again, just hold him in his arms again and tell him he is sorry. Dry his tears and tell him it was all going to be alright. Take away all of the pain and hurt he had caused him.

He does not know where he is running to, only that his legs are carrying him there instinctively. Does he know where he is? No, probably not. But he knows that he has to find him, somehow. It must have been his subconscious mind telling him where to go, unknowingly to the conscious mind as the fear and panic sets in. The fear of being abandoned.

He comes to a door, unthinkingly opening it and crashing through it into another darkened room. It is late now. No, actually very early in the morning, but it is still dark outside. He tries to steady his frantic breathing, blood still dripping from the open wounds on his wrists. His entire body a trembling crying wreck. He knows his eyes are bloodshot, he knows they are sore, but this does not bother him. He is simply too distraught to care right now. He just feels guilt and regret, anger and hurt, and is afraid of being abandoned, afraid that his lover will leave him.

He stops and stands stock still, although still shaking uncontrollably. He gets the feeling that he has been here before and he knows he has. He remembers he has.

How many countless nights were spent here, just being with his lover? How many nights had they fallen asleep together in each others arms? Countless hours, countless nights. It didn't matter to him that they didn't have sex. Sometimes they would just talk until dawn, or he would just watch Izuru sleep. So long as they were together it didn't matter.

Nothing else mattered to him back then.

He walked into the bedroom before he suddenly realised where he was. He had instantly just snapped back into reality again. Back into the present. He stood there quietly as he regained some sense of where he was and what had happened, but still all he could think of was Kira.

He glanced around, noting that there were two figures in the room. One in the bed and the other in the chair, presumably the both of them were asleep. He moves slowly closer to get a better look, being taken aback by what he saw. It just seemed so surreal. Too good to be true even. It was _him._

"Izuru?"

He asked himself, whispering almost. Trying to confirm it to himself that this was true what he was seeing. Disbelieving his very own eyes.

He gazed down at the sleeping blonde, still able to be bewitched by him. Still able to fall under his spell. Damn, nothing had changed.

He watched him breathe lightly, his small chest rise and fall unevenly. His face was still as beautiful as it had been back then. He looked over him as he slept, his hand reaching out to touch that pretty face once more. Watching as Izuru's whole body relaxed after he gave out a soft contented moan while in his sleep. What Aizen's touch could still do to him, even subconsciously while asleep this deeply.

Aizen's eyes wandered down to his chest, noticing scratches that had been bleeding out onto his white hakama and staining it. There were also bruises and one large cut on his neck, like it had been slashed. Aizen gasped in horror, what had happened to him? He was bleeding.

He turned around quickly when the other shape in the chair stirred slightly.

"Gin?"

He rapidly glanced back at Kira and then back to Gin again, the both of them were covered in blood. There was blood on Gin's hands, blood on his clothes. What had happened here was obvious. Gin had _hurt_ him.

Aizen swallowed hard.

_"Bastard__… you fucking bastard.__"_

This was somewhat hypocritical, he knew that. But still he was angry. The hypocrisy here wouldn't stop the anger from consuming him. His fragile state of mind being temporarily forgotten he felt the hurt and anger pile up onto him. His breathing increased as he snarled at the blood covered Gin asleep in the chair. Oh, how he would pay for this.

_"I will make you pay for this Gin, you will know the true meaning of pain. I will not let you off lightly this time. I will make you pay dearly for hurting him, I will__… I will. You__'ll fucking suffer for this Gin. You will__… fucking__… suffer__…"_

God how it hurt to see the damage already done. How it pained him so much. His heart ached. Old pains were being dragged up to the surface again.

Gods it hurt…

And with that he walked away. He would have stayed but he was at breaking pint again already. He couldn't take this much any more; reliving everything and then seeing this. He just wanted to go into a deep sleep and forget. He needed alcohol. He needed to drink, it was the only way that he would be able to get any sleep at all.

He got back into his room and closed the door behind him, locking it and then slumping himself against the inside of the door and sobbed.

"Why is this so hard?"

He thought he was over this. He thought that he was past it, but obviously not. It still hurt. No matter how much he denied it. No matter how much he told himself he was over it, no matter how much he said that it didnt hurt, he knew that it was still a lie.

He knew that he still loved him. No matter how much it hurt.


	16. Poison, Remedy

My favourite versions of 'Poison' are by Groove Coverage and Alice Cooper. The other 'Remedy' is by Little Boots. I really like 'em. Good songs to dance to [what? it helped me with my writers block] Those songs were the inspiration here. You can probably tell once ya start reading. I forsee the plot getting more complex from here on out. Ah, bear with me please.

* * *

**Chapter 15: Poison, Remedy**

He sniffed, trying to steady his breaths again. God he needed a drink right about now. He just wanted to forget this whole damn thing. Drown it all out. Kill it. He buried his face in his hands and tried breathing in terribly unsteadily. This was stupid. This was really ridiculous. He'd lost his memory, he'd regained it again, uncovered all of the things that he'd tried to smother so long ago. But the hollow had other plans. It was like it said 'oh no, you don't get to be in that kind of loving relationship, you don't get to live your own life. Oh, and you don't get to start over with Gin either'.

But he was tired of it. He was both physically and mentally exhausted. And he couldn't care less about what happened any more. He just wanted to drown out the voice of it long enough to get some much needed sleep and rest his tired and aching bones. Give his wounds a chance to heal. Not that there would be much chance of that happening at this rate. At the rate he was going he would most likely bleed to death.

How he just wanted to forget everything.

Dragging up his trembling body, managed to stagger to the kitchen and pilfer all of the alcohol he could find. All of the bottles of gin, vodka, sake, and tequila he could find. He downed them all, saving the gin for last. It was enough to get himself drunk with, seeing as he was a real lightweight when it came to gin. He looked at the now empty bottle of gin intently, turning it over and over in his hand. Silently damning it straight to hell.

"Fuck it!"

He swore, slamming the clear bottle onto the floor so that it smashed into pieces. He watched the pieces scatter across the floor, still fuming with himself. Clutching his head again and groaning.

"Why does everything I touch go to shit? Why is everything going to hell?"

He couldn't take it any more. He just wanted to cry.

"What's wrong with me?"

That as the last thing he asked himself before collapsing onto the floor and falling into the sleep he wanted. Not that he could do much else. He couldn't move, he couldn't even think straight, he couldn't even fix it. Not this overly dramatic mess that had been created. He passed out, falling into a gin induced sleep. This being the second time that he had drunk himself to sleep.

_Dreams were growing weird for him. Every dream vivid and real to him, every dream finding him acting differently. Having dreams of things he couldn__'t have, of things that he had had and lost. Of people he__'d loved and lost. Similar dreams, similar experiences. _

_He again finds himself in his room, with everything looking exactly how it was. With all of the books on the shelves all perfectly aligned and everything how it was where he had left it. Everything was materialising around him slowly as he regained sense of it all as the temporary haze he was in seemed to lift from on top of him, everything refocusing from the outside inwards. Warmth was near to him, and he wanted to reach out for it. He wanted to reach out and touch that warmth. The illogicality of being able to physically hold warmth just completely bypassing him, for he knows that this kind of warmth can actually be touched and held. He wanted this warmth. _

_Things slowly materialised then. Then it became more than just a sensation of warmth, but the touch of skin, the feel of another body. It was weird, like being able to feel but not see clearly. For the scene before him was still materialising in front of him. Hands. Hands and arms wrapping themselves around this body, and another set of hands and arms working their way around his own body. Relieving any and all tension as they went snaking around him. Releasing all pain with a single touch. Causing the heart to beat faster with the heat emanating from it. Lips temporarily crash against lips resulting in a flirtatious laugh from the other. But the strange thing is, Aizen knows this laugh. _

_"Aizen chan__…"_

_A smile materialises. His smile, Gin__'s smile. _

_A very surreal moment indeed. Aizen is holding him like a lover, squeezing him tightly and smiling like a wolf that has just claimed its territory. _

_"Yes?__"_

_Gin giggled flirtatiously, arms draping around Aizen__'s neck now._

_"Whats yer poison?__"_

_Aizen smirked his signature grin, smiling defiantly yet callously at his youthful and freshly claimed mate, grinning wildly as his pupils dilated, giving him a more feral and wild appearance. _

_"mmm, Gin__…"_

_Tongues crash this time. Followed by soft moans and pleasured glances. Gin__'s tongue exploring the deepest parts of Aizen__'s mouth while sliding the shihakusho off of his shoulders. Aizen__'s handsworking downwards and resting themselves upon Gin__'s hips before doing likewise and removing slowly the clothes of the other. The both of them tumbling drunkenly onto the floor in a estranged tangle of arms and legs. Hands touching bare skin. On shoulders, chests, backs, necks. In the midst of so much heat and raptured breathing, a passion did burn there. A deep and intense passion. Indescribable emotion and many pent up angers that became unleashed when the both of them were together. _

_To Aizen, it was like listening to sweet music in a perfect rapture. _

_His very state of being getting carried away in the current of the toe curling sensations of touching and being touched. Getting swept up in to the moment as the both of them struggled to find dominance over their lover amid touches and pleasured moans. Legs and hips shifting to find their positions at the top and over the others hips. _

_Maybe it was the heat getting to him, but Aizen found himself submitting. This wasn__'t like him, but then again, nothing in this dream was like him. Nothing in this dream was likely to have happened, was it?_

_He didn__'t know, all he knew was that it was good. _

_He wouldn__'t lie; it did sting a little bit when he entered. Despite this being the second time, even if only in a dream, that he was the submissive partner. He groaned and clenched his teeth as Gin pushed into him, thoroughly enjoying every single second of his slight pain. _

_"Jeez, anyone__'d think this were yer firs__' time!__" Gin teased, longingly tracing his fingers along the nape of Aizen__'s neck. _

_"An__' ya call me_ _a whore__…"_

_Aizen moaned uncomfortably and Gin laughed to himself. Breathing in and out deeply into Aizen__'s ear and brushing his neck against his._

_"I__'ll try an__' be gentle with ya__…" He said quietly then shoving his hips forward, forcing another moan from his Aizen, who was currently lying on his stomach and being thoroughly screwed. Not quite in the way he would have liked it, but he was being screwed nonetheless. Gin was taking full advantage of the position he was currently in, managing to elicit another mixture of pleasured and pained moans from him. _

_"Ugh__… Oh gods!__"_

_Gin__'s grin widened substantially with each violent and jerky movement with his hips. Watching as the sweat dripped from the body of his prey. Gazing down contentedly at his flushed face and heavy eyes, still grinning wildly. He was enjoying this. _

_But then again, wasn__'t that the point of this little drunken episode?_

_Or rather, spiking Aizen__'s drink?_

_Because there was no way in hell that he could manage to do this sober. He__'d have his head lopped off if he even tried. And Gin decided that he rather liked having his head on his shoulders._

_"So,__" he asked, thrusting himself harder into him. Excriating yet another cry from his lover. _

_"How__'s it feel__… bein__' th__' submissive one?__" _

_He thrust into him one last time before removing himself from Aizen__'s body, watching and leaning over him as he rolled onto his back to face Gin, still so full of the heat that had consumed him earlier. He was panting heavily, each breath laboured and yet very seemingly satisfied with the most recent occurrences. _

_Both males were now facing each other, Aizen beneath Gin at this stage. Gin was breathing silently in comparison to how Aizen was. Aizen was really out of breath now. _

_"Submissive one?__"_

_And heaving himself up onto his knees, he then drew his gaze level with Gin__'s, their eyes met. Each transfixed with the other. _

_"Mmm__…"_

_"I__'ll show you submissive.__" He said, half snarling with desire as he shoved Gin down onto the floor, so that he was lying on his back beneath Aizen__'s naked form. Only managing to take in a single breath before soft lips pressed against his own, and Aizen__'s tongue invaded Gin__'s mouth. He moaned gently as Aizen passionately kissed him, his tongue wrestling wildly and trying to regain dominance again. _

_Gin broke away, giving the slightest of grins. _

_"Hm, my my__… cheatin__' on yer lover__… my you are naughty Aizen sama__…" Gin laughed, __"Oh, what__'s poor lil Izuru kun gonna say when he finds out wha__' n' who you__'ve been doin__'?__" He teased, half joking and half serious. _

_"I don__'t care__…" Aizen replied, his voice soft and breathy as he gave Gin another deep kiss. Plunging his tongue into Gin__'s mouth again and exploring every inch of it. Moaning softly as Gin reciprocated the kiss. Aizen moved in deeper, feeling the heat of his body and the slight shivers that went through him. Good, he still showed at least a little bit of fear to his touch still. _

_Gin__'s hips shifted into a submissive position ready for him. He knew what would result if he didn__'t. He let Aizen enter without any fight. _

_"Not fighting me today?__"_

_Gin laughed, half gasping with the pleasure. __"Ha ahh, whatchya goin__' on __'bout? This__'s our firs__' time together aint it?__"_

_Aizen looked at him, at his blushed face and blood red eyes. His pale skin and white hair that fell over his gorgeous eyes. Damn it__…_

_…why did he have to be so beautiful?_

_"I love you__…"_

_"Wow__… ya really are smashed.__"_

_Gin giggled, pulling Aizen in to his chest in a loving embrace, holding him as they both lay there entwined with each other. Body to body, soul to soul._

_"That__'s my line__…"_

* * *

And you all thought that _Gin_ was crazy…

And all that got done in 30 days… I rock no? see, I'm not lazy ALL the time.

Just about half a fic in 30 days… I'm quite pleased with myself now. It was a mad 30 days I tell ya. Mad!

late nights, being in Aizen's head, writing messed up things on caffeine highs, getting embarrassed by okaasan when she saw an explicit bit, nii sama going "tch tch tch" and laughing like a girl when the plot got violent which didn't help me an awful lot since I cannot take AiGin seriously anymore, sending many a facebook message to CFH, overdosing on crack and yaoi, craving said yaoi and complaining an awful lot, making an absolute mess of it all by picking the wrong one to be the uke in that last scene, one complete meltdown and calling it all absolute shit, getting kicked up the arse to write more even when I didn't feel like it… and this is the result.

Completely unplanned intricate intimate plot detailing and raw talent, painstaking description, a lot of cleaning scenes, overcoming my perfectionism and writing insecurity, somehow getting converted into a yaoi fangirl by the editor, and now being very tired.

Was it worth it? I say yes. It was really fun. Hard, but fun. And as always, reviews be much loved and often replied to. And I'll get working on the next half after a good, long 12 hour sleep. If that's okay with you. 'cause, ya know, I worked hard over here. I hate to leave ya hangin there for a while, but I need to get the next half beta'ed before it goes on here. I may mess it up otherwise. Plus I need to actually write it.

Sending much love to nii-sama, and my (very awesome) editor CFH for looking after me, (whose crack filled beta'ing notes I shall patiently wait for on this whole thing thus far. Apart from chapter 13. That can't be crack-fied. I love it, yet I hate it)

- Wolfy-chan


End file.
